I have had a friend to stay for a week to help me paint my house. I'm very lucky that he painted all of the rooms and my house now looks clean and fresh again.
Now he's gone, once again the twiddling of the thumbs has returned. I'm still waiting for the volunteering to begin and am still itching to get going.
I suppose as I said yesterday, life isn't completely easy and I ought to be patient.
The waiting continues
sr x
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Rose-tinted glasses
I had a very interesting session with my counsellor today. I finished my last session feeling sceptical about the whole CBT thing. I'm pretty sure I wrote on my blog that I wasn't convinced but would be willing to give it a go.
Lowe and behold I've had a breakthrough!! She asked that I write down three or four events that have affected me, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I was a little rubbish with the writing aspect, but dutifully I did think through and analyse at what points I was feeling negative.
The three things I made note of were as follows;
I continued my session exploring this theme. We began to discuss further my relationship with my Mum. I've never thought much about the conversations that I have with my Mum but at this point I was able to sit down and talk it through in some detail. I very much care about her and worry about whether she's ok. She still holds a fair bit of resentment over the divorce with my Dad and I seem to be taking it upon myself to try to ensure her happiness. Her own happiness is not my responsibility. She needs to learn to let go and it's not my job to boost her.
I've always been very much the 'perfect' daughter. I've always done as I was told and mostly not caused any problems. I hold that in quite high esteem and still seem to do this as an adult. What I now need to start doing is realising that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not have to be kind to everyone, I do not have to be permanently bubbly and I am allowed to make mistakes. Life is designed to challenge and I am very lucky to have gotten to 26 without facing many hiccups along the way.
Part of being the 'perfect daughter' means that I now need to grow up. Financially I'm standing on my own to feet but now I must emotionally become independent from my Mum. If I rely on her emotionally then she will continue to have this hold on me and she will be able to continue to advise me on how to live my life. In the nicest possible way, maybe it's time to tell her to butt out.
I don't do well with conflict. Normally I avoid it at all costs. I like to be nice to people. I don't like to upset or hurt anyone. Conflict is actually a natural part of life. We can't always agree and different opinions is what makes life interesting. I am not a bad person if I disagree with someone or have a tiff with them.
My life is not going to run smoothly and perfectly. But my life will go on. Now is the time that I need to remove my rose-tinted spectacles and realise that even if the ride is a little bumpy, everything is still good. Nothing massively bad will happen if I hit a few bumps along the way, if I fail at something or if I just cruise at an even pace for a bit. Life will always go on and everything will be ok.
It seems like all of a sudden I'm waking up to the fact that I've been living my whole entire life in a bubble. I like my little bubble where everything is easy and can be judged as black or white. I don't like ambiguity. I don't like shades of grey. Things are going to have to get rather multi-coloured around here and I'm going to have to learn to enjoy it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. Nervous. Who knows what this revelation will bring!
sr x
Lowe and behold I've had a breakthrough!! She asked that I write down three or four events that have affected me, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I was a little rubbish with the writing aspect, but dutifully I did think through and analyse at what points I was feeling negative.
The three things I made note of were as follows;
- a conversation with my mum
- a walk I went on with my partner and his parents
- a conversation I had with my auntie
I continued my session exploring this theme. We began to discuss further my relationship with my Mum. I've never thought much about the conversations that I have with my Mum but at this point I was able to sit down and talk it through in some detail. I very much care about her and worry about whether she's ok. She still holds a fair bit of resentment over the divorce with my Dad and I seem to be taking it upon myself to try to ensure her happiness. Her own happiness is not my responsibility. She needs to learn to let go and it's not my job to boost her.
I've always been very much the 'perfect' daughter. I've always done as I was told and mostly not caused any problems. I hold that in quite high esteem and still seem to do this as an adult. What I now need to start doing is realising that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not have to be kind to everyone, I do not have to be permanently bubbly and I am allowed to make mistakes. Life is designed to challenge and I am very lucky to have gotten to 26 without facing many hiccups along the way.
Part of being the 'perfect daughter' means that I now need to grow up. Financially I'm standing on my own to feet but now I must emotionally become independent from my Mum. If I rely on her emotionally then she will continue to have this hold on me and she will be able to continue to advise me on how to live my life. In the nicest possible way, maybe it's time to tell her to butt out.
I don't do well with conflict. Normally I avoid it at all costs. I like to be nice to people. I don't like to upset or hurt anyone. Conflict is actually a natural part of life. We can't always agree and different opinions is what makes life interesting. I am not a bad person if I disagree with someone or have a tiff with them.
My life is not going to run smoothly and perfectly. But my life will go on. Now is the time that I need to remove my rose-tinted spectacles and realise that even if the ride is a little bumpy, everything is still good. Nothing massively bad will happen if I hit a few bumps along the way, if I fail at something or if I just cruise at an even pace for a bit. Life will always go on and everything will be ok.
It seems like all of a sudden I'm waking up to the fact that I've been living my whole entire life in a bubble. I like my little bubble where everything is easy and can be judged as black or white. I don't like ambiguity. I don't like shades of grey. Things are going to have to get rather multi-coloured around here and I'm going to have to learn to enjoy it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. Nervous. Who knows what this revelation will bring!
sr x
Saturday, 29 June 2013
The CBT challenge
I've got my next counselling appointment on Tuesday. That'll be number 3 out of 4 sessions. I'm going to give this CBT a go.
I'm currently lying in bed, moping....well, I was moping, but now I've decided that I'm going to bash out my thoughts on my blog in a hope that I can turn these negative thoughts into more positive and productive thoughts.
The last few days I've had a lot going on. My puppy was castrated, he bit me (twice), I've had a really bitchy text message from a former lodger, my puppy got attacked, my puppy has had a blood test which has come back saying he has liver damage, a rejection from my other half and my mum gave some really bad advice!!!
Looking at this list and then analysing how I feel actually makes me feel a little pathetic. All of the negative feelings I am going through related to these minor incidents are all unnecessary. I should shrug it all of and just crack on with my day.
Now time to turn these thoughts in to positive thoughts.
Being bitten.....he was in pain, he was hungry, he is still a well natured dog. Ok, so I need to think through the action I'm going to take. Once his cone is off (in 7 days) I will up the level of training I do with him to reinforce who's boss. He is generally obedient and I know that with work, that will continue. Now how do I feel about it? It's not such a problem when I look at the reasons why it happened. I can still feel proud of the training I've done with him and it's a work in progress.
He got bitten. I was shocked. He didn't provoke it. Positive - he wasn't hurt and doesn't really seem all that bothered. Therefore, not a problem. Easy. All I need to do is make sure he has chance to say hello to some other dogs on his walk later.
The advice from my Mum. She seems to think that my friend who is staying with me (he's decorating my house) is treading on my partners toes. I know for a fact that this isn't the truth because I asked. She said "take it from someone who knows". She's been in that situation before but then my relationships aren't like hers. I like to think that I have a strong relationship with my other half and that he'd tell me if there was an issue. Maybe I'll ring her and tell her that. Actually, on second thoughts, that might not be productive because she probably brushed her comments off as insignificant so she'll wonder why I was dwelling on what she said.
The text message, I think, is the major upset. I've offered a piece of furniture to the girl who's just moved out and asked her if she was going to come and pick it up. I also asked her why she didn't tell us that her blind was broken and that she burnt the carpet with the iron. The iron damage was particularly annoying because it ruined two of my partners work shirts and we had to buy a new iron as a result of it. I do feel that the text was non-confrontational. I also asked her what she wanted me to do with her post. She asked that I forwarded it and that I only ever text her regarding her post and not to contact her again. I do think that her response was unnecessary but then again, I need to think about the reasons why she responded as she did. I probably made her feel defensive when asking her about the damage in the room, because after all, it's our house and our things. A text is also quite hard to read in to so she may have thought the tone of my text was more accusational or aggressive than it was intended to be. She has moved out now and I don't have to deal with her again. We only ever use the room for a lodger to stay in and had already been intending to replace the blinds with curtains anyway. The curtains have, in fact, already been put up.
Strangely enough, thinking these incidents through logically and writing down my rambling monologue seems to have helped. I guess it's the process of going through the incidents and churning them over. These things that get on top of my can be shrugged off with a little thought. It seems that with this illness I don't think about the things, I just allow them to push me in to a pit of despair.
I actually now feel ready to drag my backside out of bed and confront the world. It's not as bad as it seems. Funnily enough, I feel so much more positive and that the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe this CBT malarkey actually works!!!
sr x
I'm currently lying in bed, moping....well, I was moping, but now I've decided that I'm going to bash out my thoughts on my blog in a hope that I can turn these negative thoughts into more positive and productive thoughts.
The last few days I've had a lot going on. My puppy was castrated, he bit me (twice), I've had a really bitchy text message from a former lodger, my puppy got attacked, my puppy has had a blood test which has come back saying he has liver damage, a rejection from my other half and my mum gave some really bad advice!!!
Looking at this list and then analysing how I feel actually makes me feel a little pathetic. All of the negative feelings I am going through related to these minor incidents are all unnecessary. I should shrug it all of and just crack on with my day.
Now time to turn these thoughts in to positive thoughts.
Being bitten.....he was in pain, he was hungry, he is still a well natured dog. Ok, so I need to think through the action I'm going to take. Once his cone is off (in 7 days) I will up the level of training I do with him to reinforce who's boss. He is generally obedient and I know that with work, that will continue. Now how do I feel about it? It's not such a problem when I look at the reasons why it happened. I can still feel proud of the training I've done with him and it's a work in progress.
He got bitten. I was shocked. He didn't provoke it. Positive - he wasn't hurt and doesn't really seem all that bothered. Therefore, not a problem. Easy. All I need to do is make sure he has chance to say hello to some other dogs on his walk later.
The advice from my Mum. She seems to think that my friend who is staying with me (he's decorating my house) is treading on my partners toes. I know for a fact that this isn't the truth because I asked. She said "take it from someone who knows". She's been in that situation before but then my relationships aren't like hers. I like to think that I have a strong relationship with my other half and that he'd tell me if there was an issue. Maybe I'll ring her and tell her that. Actually, on second thoughts, that might not be productive because she probably brushed her comments off as insignificant so she'll wonder why I was dwelling on what she said.
The text message, I think, is the major upset. I've offered a piece of furniture to the girl who's just moved out and asked her if she was going to come and pick it up. I also asked her why she didn't tell us that her blind was broken and that she burnt the carpet with the iron. The iron damage was particularly annoying because it ruined two of my partners work shirts and we had to buy a new iron as a result of it. I do feel that the text was non-confrontational. I also asked her what she wanted me to do with her post. She asked that I forwarded it and that I only ever text her regarding her post and not to contact her again. I do think that her response was unnecessary but then again, I need to think about the reasons why she responded as she did. I probably made her feel defensive when asking her about the damage in the room, because after all, it's our house and our things. A text is also quite hard to read in to so she may have thought the tone of my text was more accusational or aggressive than it was intended to be. She has moved out now and I don't have to deal with her again. We only ever use the room for a lodger to stay in and had already been intending to replace the blinds with curtains anyway. The curtains have, in fact, already been put up.
Strangely enough, thinking these incidents through logically and writing down my rambling monologue seems to have helped. I guess it's the process of going through the incidents and churning them over. These things that get on top of my can be shrugged off with a little thought. It seems that with this illness I don't think about the things, I just allow them to push me in to a pit of despair.
I actually now feel ready to drag my backside out of bed and confront the world. It's not as bad as it seems. Funnily enough, I feel so much more positive and that the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe this CBT malarkey actually works!!!
sr x
Friday, 28 June 2013
Alcohol and Depression
I'm writing this post of an evening where I am sat cosily with some music on the telly and a cider by my side. A pretty lovely evening really. I have a friend staying, he's playing with my pup and the other half is chilling out on the sofa opposite.
It has kinda made me think though. How much alcohol is a problem? Is alcohol even safe for a person suffering with depression?
So the research begins. Apparently, people with alcohol problems have symptoms which are comparable with depression. Alcoholics have difficulties with fatigue, sleeping difficulties and poor appetite, etc. These symptoms mirror a person who is depressed. Alcohol can also cause low mood in itself as it is a depressant. The question is do people suffering with depression tend to self-medicate with alcohol? I'm thinking that some people might. Between 5 and 10% of people suffering with depression also have problems with alcohol. This can be a genetic connection (I have family members who have both suffered from alcoholism and depression).
I suppose I need to take steps towards changing my relationship with alcohol. Yesterday, I drank no alcohol. The day before I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, but I did have company. It definitely does seem to be turning in to a habit. I think it's habit and for the mood lifting qualities (alcohol does briefly enhance your mood) but this is obviously counter-productive.
It seems really dangerous that the levels of antidepressant medication can be altered by alcohol. It can increase the levels of the dose within your system as your liver becomes less able to process and alcohol and the medication. Scary stuff.
The NHS also has some advice on depression and alcohol. It seems to focus on alcoholism rather than depression though. It does have some scary stats.
Right, so now I'm going to go in the kitchen and pour the rest of my cider down the sink!!
sr x
It has kinda made me think though. How much alcohol is a problem? Is alcohol even safe for a person suffering with depression?
So the research begins. Apparently, people with alcohol problems have symptoms which are comparable with depression. Alcoholics have difficulties with fatigue, sleeping difficulties and poor appetite, etc. These symptoms mirror a person who is depressed. Alcohol can also cause low mood in itself as it is a depressant. The question is do people suffering with depression tend to self-medicate with alcohol? I'm thinking that some people might. Between 5 and 10% of people suffering with depression also have problems with alcohol. This can be a genetic connection (I have family members who have both suffered from alcoholism and depression).
I suppose I need to take steps towards changing my relationship with alcohol. Yesterday, I drank no alcohol. The day before I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, but I did have company. It definitely does seem to be turning in to a habit. I think it's habit and for the mood lifting qualities (alcohol does briefly enhance your mood) but this is obviously counter-productive.
It seems really dangerous that the levels of antidepressant medication can be altered by alcohol. It can increase the levels of the dose within your system as your liver becomes less able to process and alcohol and the medication. Scary stuff.
The NHS also has some advice on depression and alcohol. It seems to focus on alcoholism rather than depression though. It does have some scary stats.
Right, so now I'm going to go in the kitchen and pour the rest of my cider down the sink!!
sr x
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Baby Blues
There hits a point in a woman's life when suddenly the hormones take effect and the dream of having a family becomes a real aspiration. I'm beginning to hit that point. So when a woman decides she wants a baby what considerations should she take?
Is it safe to plan to conceive while suffering from depression? Is it wise and sensible? This is where it becomes a tricky issue. I feel so much better in myself. I feel like I'm functioning like a normal human being and my spark and bubbly personality is beginning to shine through. Thinking like this, considering I'm currently not working, I can see no reason why we can't begin to try for a baby.
Looking at this financially, we're already able to live on one wage. This is proven by the fact that I'm not working.
Next, my mental health. Am I really as stable as I give myself credit for? I like to think so. How do you really know though? My volunteering hasn't yet started so I haven't yet begun to challenge myself to get back in to a routine. Nine months time I can imagine I'll be perfectly fit and well.
The physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body might be problematic. It seems to be a well known fact that pregnant women have a lot of hormones rushing through their bodies which sometimes upsets the equilibrium. Perhaps a change in hormones will end up with me plummeting into another round of severe depression.
Finally, I read the other day that some research shows that antidepressants can harm your unborn baby. I did ask the doctor what would happen if I did conceive. He seemed to think that the risks are pretty minimal and they might change my medication but that it's ok to continue with antidepressants despite being pregnant. Do I assume that the media is scaremongering or that my GP, whom I trust, is out of date with the latest research?
All of this seems to show that it isn't a good idea. We'll review again in 12 months and hopefully it'll be a better time. Surely people with depression do conceive though? I guess in essence it's a moral mine field. How poorly do you have to be before you're 'unable' to have a baby? Surely that can't work in either a medical or physical capacity. That'd be discrimination.
Anyone got any thoughts? Leave a comment.
sr x
Is it safe to plan to conceive while suffering from depression? Is it wise and sensible? This is where it becomes a tricky issue. I feel so much better in myself. I feel like I'm functioning like a normal human being and my spark and bubbly personality is beginning to shine through. Thinking like this, considering I'm currently not working, I can see no reason why we can't begin to try for a baby.
Looking at this financially, we're already able to live on one wage. This is proven by the fact that I'm not working.
Next, my mental health. Am I really as stable as I give myself credit for? I like to think so. How do you really know though? My volunteering hasn't yet started so I haven't yet begun to challenge myself to get back in to a routine. Nine months time I can imagine I'll be perfectly fit and well.
The physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body might be problematic. It seems to be a well known fact that pregnant women have a lot of hormones rushing through their bodies which sometimes upsets the equilibrium. Perhaps a change in hormones will end up with me plummeting into another round of severe depression.
Finally, I read the other day that some research shows that antidepressants can harm your unborn baby. I did ask the doctor what would happen if I did conceive. He seemed to think that the risks are pretty minimal and they might change my medication but that it's ok to continue with antidepressants despite being pregnant. Do I assume that the media is scaremongering or that my GP, whom I trust, is out of date with the latest research?
All of this seems to show that it isn't a good idea. We'll review again in 12 months and hopefully it'll be a better time. Surely people with depression do conceive though? I guess in essence it's a moral mine field. How poorly do you have to be before you're 'unable' to have a baby? Surely that can't work in either a medical or physical capacity. That'd be discrimination.
Anyone got any thoughts? Leave a comment.
sr x
Monday, 24 June 2013
Annoyingly restless
I've been twiddling my thumbs today. I'm so much better that I'm beginning to need more. I need my friends, I need to do things, I need to work, I need to be active.
There are so many needs that I don't seem able to fulfil at the moment! My friends work during the day, as does my partner. I can't continually bug them to spend time with me because they need a work-life balance. They have housework to do and sleep to catch up on.
The working is getting there but the wait to be approved for my volunteering is getting tedious. I feel like now that I've applied I'm itching to start. I'd get going tomorrow if I could. I desperately need it to get some excitement, structure and interest in to my day.
Doing things? A lot of this seems, to me, to be money orientated. I can't spend my life going bowling, ice skating, to the cinema, eating out, etc because I no longer have a job or an income. I can't stand shopping at the best of times so really don't fancy window shopping.
Since January I've spent a lot of time and money sorting the house out. This will have to stop now that I no longer have an income. So until this volunteering comes through I just feel like I'm wasting my days; there's only so many times you can read the news online in the space of twenty four hours!
I might be tempted tomorrow to have another go at starting the exercise programme. I started the C25K in September but stopped due to a strain in my hamstring. I could dedicate some time to this. That will be both productive and fulfilling....I hope!
So this aimless chatter that I'm doing has now given me a next step! Tomorrow I WILL go for a run!
It's like a problem solving monologue. The more I type, the more likely I am to come up with a solution or a next step. Maybe this blog truly is helping me progress! The fight is still ongoing and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
sr x
There are so many needs that I don't seem able to fulfil at the moment! My friends work during the day, as does my partner. I can't continually bug them to spend time with me because they need a work-life balance. They have housework to do and sleep to catch up on.
The working is getting there but the wait to be approved for my volunteering is getting tedious. I feel like now that I've applied I'm itching to start. I'd get going tomorrow if I could. I desperately need it to get some excitement, structure and interest in to my day.
Doing things? A lot of this seems, to me, to be money orientated. I can't spend my life going bowling, ice skating, to the cinema, eating out, etc because I no longer have a job or an income. I can't stand shopping at the best of times so really don't fancy window shopping.
Since January I've spent a lot of time and money sorting the house out. This will have to stop now that I no longer have an income. So until this volunteering comes through I just feel like I'm wasting my days; there's only so many times you can read the news online in the space of twenty four hours!
I might be tempted tomorrow to have another go at starting the exercise programme. I started the C25K in September but stopped due to a strain in my hamstring. I could dedicate some time to this. That will be both productive and fulfilling....I hope!
So this aimless chatter that I'm doing has now given me a next step! Tomorrow I WILL go for a run!
It's like a problem solving monologue. The more I type, the more likely I am to come up with a solution or a next step. Maybe this blog truly is helping me progress! The fight is still ongoing and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
sr x
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Time to review
I'm beginning to be a little stuck for inspiration. At the moment I'm functioning pretty well but I've considered most of the main topics I thought I'd like to cover within this blog.
So where do I go from now? I guess that's just it. Does this blog really have to go anywhere? Surely the motivation of writing this blog is to help me get better so as long as that's what's happening it doesn't really matter what direction this thing takes.
This morning I had a look at my very first blog post. It was written on 13th May. That seems like an eternity ago. I can't imagine what I was like then. How did I even manage to get through the day?
At the time it was written I said that I was 'beginning to pull myself together.' And now? Well I think I am pretty much all in one piece. Finally. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm smiling, laughing, joking and generally going about my life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. The noose is no longer (metaphorically) around my neck and life is feeling good.
I'm excited to see what the future holds and am beginning to make plans. I'm hoping that within the next 18 months my partner and I will get married and I'm so very much looking forward to starting a family. The main thing preventing these massive events in my life is my mental health.
My partner tells me that he wants me to be truly better before we plan a wedding because he doesn't want me to regret the decision or take the plunge because of my illness. I argue that we can crack on despite the depression but I suppose he needs the confidence to know that I won't take another massive dip. I'm not really sure I can give him that guarantee though.
In May, I wrote about the purpose of my blog;
I think this highlights my progress. I have more control of this beast. It's still with me, but now maybe the shadow is the one in chains rather than me! At least no matter how many backward steps I'm taking I am still ultimately heading in a forward motion!
sr x
So where do I go from now? I guess that's just it. Does this blog really have to go anywhere? Surely the motivation of writing this blog is to help me get better so as long as that's what's happening it doesn't really matter what direction this thing takes.
This morning I had a look at my very first blog post. It was written on 13th May. That seems like an eternity ago. I can't imagine what I was like then. How did I even manage to get through the day?
At the time it was written I said that I was 'beginning to pull myself together.' And now? Well I think I am pretty much all in one piece. Finally. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm smiling, laughing, joking and generally going about my life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. The noose is no longer (metaphorically) around my neck and life is feeling good.
I'm excited to see what the future holds and am beginning to make plans. I'm hoping that within the next 18 months my partner and I will get married and I'm so very much looking forward to starting a family. The main thing preventing these massive events in my life is my mental health.
My partner tells me that he wants me to be truly better before we plan a wedding because he doesn't want me to regret the decision or take the plunge because of my illness. I argue that we can crack on despite the depression but I suppose he needs the confidence to know that I won't take another massive dip. I'm not really sure I can give him that guarantee though.
In May, I wrote about the purpose of my blog;
"It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast."
I think this highlights my progress. I have more control of this beast. It's still with me, but now maybe the shadow is the one in chains rather than me! At least no matter how many backward steps I'm taking I am still ultimately heading in a forward motion!
sr x
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