Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x

A job's a job

Well here we are, it's the 24th of the month. The last day of the month will be my final day officially as a teacher.  I haven't stepped foot in a classroom since the beginning of December but officially I'm still a teacher as currently I still have a contract with the school.

That is all about to change.

In some way I am resentful that this condition has robbed me of a job I love but in other ways I am pretty philosophical about it. I can always go back in to the job, or, this is a golden opportunity to persue another avenue.

I am able to anything that I set my mind to and that openended possibility, although daunting, is rather exciting.

I am going in on Saturday to clear out my classroom. It's rather final. A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I'm keen to see where this path is going to lead.

sr x

Musings about medication

When I was first signed off I thought I'd take a couple of weeks off work and go back in January feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. That day in January never came. It's now May!

I was loathe to use medication to treat myself. It took a considerable amount of persuasion from the doctor to convince me to start taking it. He argued that I was ill due to a chemical imbalance and that I needed to fix it using what he prescribes.

I've taken a various assortment of tablets with varying doses. Finally I'm on tablets which I consider are the 'right' medication. Despite this, I do still wonder whether I want or need to take them.

I'm not keen on taking these tablets. I wonder whether there are other solutions to get better. I'm always being told that exercise helps as well as a good diet. Homoeopathic remedies are also popular but when asking the doctor he said that if they were more effective, that's what he'd prescribe.

I guess there's no answer to these questions. As long as I get better it shouldn't matter, right? Surely since the condition is so prevalent in today's society a reasonable assumption would be that anti-depressants aren't fixing the problem.  Maybe they're a sticking plaster to counter-act the tremendous pressure modern day living puts on our bodies and minds.

I am (was) a teacher. The lifestyle was pretty hectic. I'd regularly work 12 hour days, including weekends, and some children would plague my thoughts in the evening and throughout the night.  I don't need to go in to the ins and outs of being a teacher but almost certainly the job was a massive contribution towards my depression. Medication doesn't change the job. So why take medication to help myself to do an unsuitable job?!

sr x