Is there really an answer?

I was browsing through the news websites this morning when I came across this article.

Do you REALLY need antidepressants?

It was quite interesting but unfortunately brief.  Scientists have been analysing brain activity of people who are suffering from depression to determine whether medication or CBT is going to help.

I had a conversation with my doctor the other day asking him about other alternatives to taking medication.  He assured me that if there were anything that was more effective than taking antidepressants then he'd prescribe that.

They say that keeping active, taking exercise, etc helps to heal the mind. Surely on that basis I could get away with not taking my medication?

I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to stay off work. I don't have a job. I have the freedom to do what I need to do to support my recovery.  Why should medication be used to mask any negative feelings people have about their lives? I personally really like my life, I have nothing to hide from and don't want to change anything. I only want to start working towards getting better by volunteering and eventually going back to work.

I'm seeing the doctor on Tuesday and I'm going to have a serious conversation with him about coming off the medication. Who knows....he may just agree. More likely though he'll tell me that it's important to stay on the medication. I do trust my doctor. He's guided me through this whole illness.  Does he necessarily know best over all of the other experts discussing different theories?

My guess is no one truly knows what the most effective solution is.  This modern illness is not good, not healthy. No one really knows what causes it and how to cure it. We can only take a stab in the dark.

sr
x

Onwards and upwards

I went to the doctors yesterday, felt really good to have a positive appointment.  This is the first time I've been allowed to go two months without a doctors appointment.  I can't believe that he said it! I'm so used to him saying 'I'll see you in two weeks/one month'. This time he said....

'If you keep doing as well as you're doing I'll see you in TWO MONTHS'

Finally I don't need monitoring.  Finally I'm not considered vulnerable. Finally I'm functioning as a (nearly) normal human being!

I've still got my on-going sick note. I'm signed off till the end of the month, but that's it.  I'll be allowed to work again then!

I've rung a care home for younger people asking if they need some help of a volunteer with their craft and cooking activities and am beginning to pull together some ideas for starting my own business.  I know I'm a bit crazy starting to think through these things but I can do it at my own pace and do as much as I feel healthy to do. 

Good news day!
sr x

Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x

A job's a job

Well here we are, it's the 24th of the month. The last day of the month will be my final day officially as a teacher.  I haven't stepped foot in a classroom since the beginning of December but officially I'm still a teacher as currently I still have a contract with the school.

That is all about to change.

In some way I am resentful that this condition has robbed me of a job I love but in other ways I am pretty philosophical about it. I can always go back in to the job, or, this is a golden opportunity to persue another avenue.

I am able to anything that I set my mind to and that openended possibility, although daunting, is rather exciting.

I am going in on Saturday to clear out my classroom. It's rather final. A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I'm keen to see where this path is going to lead.

sr x

Counselling uncovers issues

I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.

Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.

All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.

My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable.  On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!

I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.

I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.

Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.

Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!

sr x

Ill to not ill, the transformation

When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while.  All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!

My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.

So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends.  Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.

Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work.  I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.

I think that might take a little longer!

Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs.  Easier said than done.

sr x

Musings about medication

When I was first signed off I thought I'd take a couple of weeks off work and go back in January feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. That day in January never came. It's now May!

I was loathe to use medication to treat myself. It took a considerable amount of persuasion from the doctor to convince me to start taking it. He argued that I was ill due to a chemical imbalance and that I needed to fix it using what he prescribes.

I've taken a various assortment of tablets with varying doses. Finally I'm on tablets which I consider are the 'right' medication. Despite this, I do still wonder whether I want or need to take them.

I'm not keen on taking these tablets. I wonder whether there are other solutions to get better. I'm always being told that exercise helps as well as a good diet. Homoeopathic remedies are also popular but when asking the doctor he said that if they were more effective, that's what he'd prescribe.

I guess there's no answer to these questions. As long as I get better it shouldn't matter, right? Surely since the condition is so prevalent in today's society a reasonable assumption would be that anti-depressants aren't fixing the problem.  Maybe they're a sticking plaster to counter-act the tremendous pressure modern day living puts on our bodies and minds.

I am (was) a teacher. The lifestyle was pretty hectic. I'd regularly work 12 hour days, including weekends, and some children would plague my thoughts in the evening and throughout the night.  I don't need to go in to the ins and outs of being a teacher but almost certainly the job was a massive contribution towards my depression. Medication doesn't change the job. So why take medication to help myself to do an unsuitable job?!

sr x

Making a plan of action

I feel proud. I've done well. Six months in to recovery and I'm now ready to take the next step forward.

I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.

It's odd.

Anyway....

Now it's time to get back to normal.

The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing.  He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.

Here's the plan that we've hashed out.

1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.

It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.

This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more.  This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.

I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!

Now let's just see how it goes!

sr x