Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x

Well meaning advice

It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.

My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home. 

They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.

The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart.  What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'

What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'

I've heard the same advice over and over from different people.  The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?

It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence.  I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life.  Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm.  I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.

I'm cross. I'm ranting.  I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!

Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)

sr x

Counselling uncovers issues

I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.

Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.

All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.

My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable.  On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!

I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.

I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.

Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.

Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!

sr x