Poisonous relationships

This is where things get a little more controversial.  A little more personal.  I will be careful how I word this post and what information I include.

This is an anonymous blog.  Very few of my friends know that I am writing this, even most of those friends don't have the details to be able to search me out and read this blog.  I can't say why, I don't think there is a massive reason.  I suppose depression is a very personal thing.  The beast that is depression is entirely your own animal.  You can do with it what you will.  Most people don't see it, can't see it.  If they do see it, they don't have the capacity to get you through it.  Part of it isolates you because people find that they don't know how to deal with you and the other part puts you on your own because it makes it harder for you to relate to other people.  It works both ways.

I'm very lucky.  I have a few people who I hold dearly.  Even if I don't see them each week I am in regular and semi-regular contact through email, facebook, texts, phone calls and random cups of tea or offers to meet for lunch.  Many of my friends have dropped off the radar.  I suppose they would be more acquaintances.

These are not the relationships that I have in mind though.  I'm thinking of those people that undermine you by suggesting that you are at fault somewhere for having depression.  Maybe they will undermine things that you do.  For example, I was struggling through cooking a roast dinner, of which I'm perfectly capable of achieving.  Cooking for six, however, at this point was getting me in a slight muddle.  This person took over and began to dish up the dinner for me and basically took over.  I felt a little put out as over the meal, it was pointed out that most of the vegetables had been bought ready prepared and that she'd prepared the cabbage.  Ok, granted, this is true, but it didn't need to be said to my guests.

I guess what I'm trying to point out is that some relationships are positive. They enhance you some how.  They are healthy, thriving friendships.  Other relationships may be more destructive.  They have the ability to make you feel like a child, need to justify your actions and without you realising it can generally make you feel a little crummy. 

This post is making me consider what the solution is to mend these relationships, to mould them into something that contributes to your life and enhances it, rather than sucking away your life energy.

How do you do this subtly without hurting anyone? Do you have to cut them out of your life.  I dearly love the people around me and even these poisonous relationships are mostly positive, engaging and enjoyable.  What do you do when the very people who are not good for you are your family members?

This needs more thought.  I will try to steer any tricky conversations into more positive and light-hearted territories.  Maybe these people need never know what I feel and that I am attempting to adapt our time together to something that makes me feel better about myself rather than worse.

I'd love to know your thoughts,

sr x

Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x

Well meaning advice

It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.

My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home. 

They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.

The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart.  What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'

What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'

I've heard the same advice over and over from different people.  The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?

It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence.  I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life.  Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm.  I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.

I'm cross. I'm ranting.  I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!

Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)

sr x