Rose-tinted glasses

I had a very interesting session with my counsellor today.  I finished my last session feeling sceptical about the whole CBT thing. I'm pretty sure I wrote on my blog that I wasn't convinced but would be willing to give it a go.

Lowe and behold I've had a breakthrough!! She asked that I write down three or four events that have affected me, how I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I was a little rubbish with the writing aspect, but dutifully I did think through and analyse at what points I was feeling negative.

The three things I made note of were as follows;

• a conversation with my mum
• a walk I went on with my partner and his parents
• a conversation I had with my auntie

These three things all had a connection.  Each time I was worrying that the other person wasn't happy about something. It's almost like I was taking on the responsibility of their unhappiness. I have never noticed that I do that before but I do seem to very acutely feel when another person has a dip in their mood.  It all seems so simple now I've made the link.  I'm actually not responsible for anyone but myself.

I continued my session exploring this theme.  We began to discuss further my relationship with my Mum.  I've never thought much about the conversations that I have with my Mum but at this point I was able to sit down and talk it through in some detail.  I very much care about her and worry about whether she's ok.  She still holds a fair bit of resentment over the divorce with my Dad and I seem to be taking it upon myself to try to ensure her happiness.  Her own happiness is not my responsibility.  She needs to learn to let go and it's not my job to boost her.

I've always been very much the 'perfect' daughter.  I've always done as I was told and mostly not caused any problems.  I hold that in quite high esteem and still seem to do this as an adult.  What I now need to start doing is realising that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not have to be kind to everyone, I do not have to be permanently bubbly and I am allowed to make mistakes.  Life is designed to challenge and I am very lucky to have gotten to 26 without facing many hiccups along the way. 

Part of being the 'perfect daughter' means that I now need to grow up.  Financially I'm standing on my own to feet but now I must emotionally become independent from my Mum.  If I rely on her emotionally then she will continue to have this hold on me and she will be able to continue to advise  me on how to live my life. In the nicest possible way, maybe it's time to tell her to butt out.

I don't do well with conflict.  Normally I avoid it at all costs.  I like to be nice to people. I don't like to upset or hurt anyone. Conflict is actually a natural part of life.  We can't always agree and different opinions is what makes life interesting.  I am not a bad person if I disagree with someone or have a tiff with them.

My life is not going to run smoothly and perfectly.  But my life will go on.  Now is the time that I need to remove my rose-tinted spectacles and realise that even if the ride is a little bumpy, everything is still good.  Nothing massively bad will happen if I hit a few bumps along the way, if I fail at something or if I just cruise at an even pace for a bit.  Life will always go on and everything will be ok.

It seems like all of a sudden I'm waking up to the fact that I've been living my whole entire life in a bubble.  I like my little bubble where everything is easy and can be judged as black or white.  I don't like ambiguity.  I don't like shades of grey.  Things are going to have to get rather multi-coloured around here and I'm going to have to learn to enjoy it.

I'm scared.  I'm excited. Nervous. Who knows what this revelation will bring!

sr x