The CBT challenge

I've got my next counselling appointment on Tuesday. That'll be number 3 out of 4 sessions. I'm going to give this CBT a go.

I'm currently lying in bed, moping....well, I was moping, but now I've decided that I'm going to bash out my thoughts on my blog in a hope that I can turn these negative thoughts into more positive and productive thoughts.

The last few days I've had a lot going on. My puppy was castrated, he bit me (twice), I've had a really bitchy text message from a former lodger, my puppy got attacked, my puppy has had a blood test which  has come back saying he has liver damage, a rejection from my other half and my mum gave some really bad advice!!!

Looking at this list and then analysing how I feel actually makes me feel a little pathetic.  All of the negative feelings I am going through related to these minor incidents are all unnecessary. I should shrug it all of and just crack on with my day.

Now time to turn these thoughts in to positive thoughts.

Being bitten.....he was in pain, he was hungry, he is still a well natured dog. Ok, so I need to think through the action I'm going to take.  Once his cone is off (in 7 days) I will up the level of training I do with him to reinforce who's boss.  He is generally obedient and I know that with work, that will continue. Now how do I feel about it? It's not such a problem when I look at the reasons why it happened. I can still feel proud of the training I've done with him and it's a work in progress.

He got bitten. I was shocked. He didn't provoke it. Positive - he wasn't hurt and doesn't really seem all that bothered. Therefore, not a problem.  Easy. All I need to do is make sure he has chance to say hello to some other dogs on his walk later.

The advice from my Mum.  She seems to think that my friend who is staying with me (he's decorating my house) is treading on my partners toes.  I know for a fact that this isn't the truth because I asked.  She said "take it from someone who knows".  She's been in that situation before but then my relationships aren't like hers.  I like to think that I have a strong relationship with my other half and that he'd tell me if there was an issue. Maybe I'll ring her and tell her that.  Actually, on second thoughts, that might not be productive because she probably brushed her comments off as insignificant so she'll wonder why I was dwelling on what she said.

The text message, I think, is the major upset.  I've offered a piece of furniture to the girl who's just moved out and asked her if she was going to come and pick it up.  I also asked her why she didn't tell us that her blind was broken and that she burnt the carpet with the iron.  The iron damage was particularly annoying because it ruined two of my partners work shirts and we had to buy a new iron as a result of it.  I do feel that the text was non-confrontational.  I also asked her what she wanted me to do with her post.  She asked that I forwarded it and that I only ever text her regarding her post and not to contact her again.  I do think that her response was unnecessary but then again, I need to think about the reasons why she responded as she did.  I probably made her feel defensive when asking her about the damage in the room, because after all, it's our house and our things.  A text is also quite hard to read in to so she may have thought the tone of my text was more accusational or aggressive than it was intended to be.  She has moved out now and I don't have to deal with her again. We only ever use the room for a lodger to stay in and had already been intending to replace the blinds with curtains anyway.  The curtains have, in fact, already been put up.

Strangely enough, thinking these incidents through logically and writing down my rambling monologue seems to have helped.  I guess it's the process of going through the incidents and churning them over.  These things that get on top of my can be shrugged off with a little thought.  It seems that with this illness I don't think about the things, I just allow them to push me in to a pit of despair.

I actually now feel ready to drag my backside out of bed and confront the world.  It's not as bad as it seems. Funnily enough, I feel so much more positive and that the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe this CBT malarkey actually works!!!

sr x

Alcohol and Depression

I'm writing this post of an evening where I am sat cosily with some music on the telly and a cider by my side. A pretty lovely evening really. I have a friend staying, he's playing with my pup and the other half is chilling out on the sofa opposite.

It has kinda made me think though. How much alcohol is a problem? Is alcohol even safe for a person suffering with depression?

So the research begins.  Apparently, people with alcohol problems have symptoms which are comparable with depression. Alcoholics have difficulties with fatigue, sleeping difficulties and poor appetite, etc. These symptoms mirror a person who is depressed. Alcohol can also cause low mood in itself as it is a depressant.  The question is do people suffering with depression tend to self-medicate with alcohol? I'm thinking that some people might. Between 5 and 10% of people suffering with depression also have problems with alcohol.  This can be a genetic connection (I have family members who have both suffered from alcoholism and depression).

I suppose I need to take steps towards changing my relationship with alcohol. Yesterday, I drank no alcohol. The day before I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, but I did have company. It definitely does seem to be turning in to a habit. I think it's habit and for the mood lifting qualities (alcohol does briefly enhance your mood) but this is obviously counter-productive.

It seems really dangerous that the levels of antidepressant medication can be altered by alcohol.  It can increase the levels of the dose within your system as your liver becomes less able to process and alcohol and the medication.  Scary stuff. 

The NHS also has some advice on depression and alcohol. It seems to focus on alcoholism rather than depression though. It does have some scary stats.

Right, so now I'm going to go in the kitchen and pour the rest of my cider down the sink!!

sr x

Baby Blues

There hits a point in a woman's life when suddenly the hormones take effect and the dream of having a family becomes a real aspiration.  I'm beginning to hit that point.  So when a woman decides she wants a baby what considerations should she take?

Is it safe to plan to conceive while suffering from depression? Is it wise and sensible? This is where it becomes a tricky issue. I feel so much better in myself. I feel like I'm functioning like a normal human being and my spark and bubbly personality is beginning to shine through. Thinking like this, considering I'm currently not working, I can see no reason why we can't begin to try for a baby.

Looking at this financially, we're already able to live on one wage. This is proven by the fact that I'm not working.

Next, my mental health. Am I really as stable as I give myself credit for? I like to think so. How do you really know though? My volunteering hasn't yet started so I haven't yet begun to challenge myself to get back in to a routine. Nine months time I can imagine I'll be perfectly fit and well.

The physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body might be problematic. It seems to be a well known fact that pregnant women have a lot of hormones rushing through their bodies which sometimes upsets the equilibrium. Perhaps a change in hormones will end up with me plummeting into another round of severe depression.

Finally, I read the other day that some research shows that antidepressants can harm your unborn baby. I did ask the doctor what would happen if I did conceive.  He seemed to think that the risks are pretty minimal and they might change my medication but that it's ok to continue with antidepressants despite being pregnant. Do I assume that the media is scaremongering or that my GP, whom I trust, is out of date with the latest research?

All of this seems to show that it isn't a good idea.  We'll review again in 12 months and hopefully it'll be a better time. Surely people with depression do conceive though? I guess in essence it's a moral mine field.  How poorly do you have to be before you're 'unable' to have a baby? Surely that can't work in either a medical or physical capacity. That'd be discrimination.

Anyone got any thoughts? Leave a comment.

sr x

Annoyingly restless

I've been twiddling my thumbs today. I'm so much better that I'm beginning to need more. I need my friends, I need to do things, I need to work, I need to be active.

There are so many needs that I don't seem able to fulfil at the moment! My friends work during the day, as does my partner. I can't continually bug them to spend time with me because they need a work-life balance. They have housework to do and sleep to catch up on.

The working is getting there but the wait to be approved for my volunteering is getting tedious. I feel like now that I've applied I'm itching to start. I'd get going tomorrow if I could. I desperately need it to get some excitement, structure and interest in to my day.

Doing things? A lot of this seems, to me, to be money orientated.  I can't spend my life going bowling, ice skating, to the cinema, eating out, etc because I no longer have a job or an income. I can't stand shopping at the best of times so really don't fancy window shopping.

Since January I've spent a lot of time and money sorting the house out.  This will have to stop now that I no longer have an income.  So until this volunteering comes through I just feel like I'm wasting my days; there's only so many times you can read the news online in the space of twenty four hours!

I might be tempted tomorrow to have another go at starting the exercise programme.  I started the C25K in September but stopped due to a strain in my hamstring.  I could dedicate some time to this. That will be both productive and fulfilling....I hope!

So this aimless chatter that I'm doing has now given me a next step! Tomorrow I WILL go for a run!

It's like a problem solving monologue. The more I type, the more likely I am to come up with a solution or a next step.  Maybe this blog truly is helping me progress! The fight is still ongoing and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!

sr x

Time to review

I'm beginning to be a little stuck for inspiration. At the moment I'm functioning pretty well but I've considered most of the main topics I thought I'd like to cover within this blog.

So where do I go from now? I guess that's just it. Does this blog really have to go anywhere? Surely the motivation of writing this blog is to help me get better so as long as that's what's happening it doesn't really matter what direction this thing takes.

This morning I had a look at my very first blog post. It was written on 13th May.  That seems like an eternity ago. I can't imagine what I was like then. How did I even manage to get through the day?

At the time it was written I said that I was 'beginning to pull myself together.' And now? Well I think I am pretty much all in one piece. Finally. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm smiling, laughing, joking and generally going about my life without the weight of the world on my shoulders.  The noose is no longer (metaphorically) around my neck and life is feeling good.

I'm excited to see what the future holds and am beginning to make plans. I'm hoping that within the next 18 months my partner and I will get married and I'm so very much looking forward to starting a family.  The main thing preventing these massive events in my life is my mental health.

My partner tells me that he wants me to be truly better before we plan a wedding because he doesn't want me to regret the decision or take the plunge because of my illness.  I argue that we can crack on despite the depression but I suppose he needs the confidence to know that I won't take another massive dip.  I'm not really sure I can give him that guarantee though.

In May, I wrote about the purpose of my blog;

"It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast."

I think this highlights my progress. I have more control of this beast. It's still with me, but now maybe the shadow is the one in chains rather than me!  At least no matter how many backward steps I'm taking I am still ultimately heading in a forward motion!

sr x

Is there really an answer?

I was browsing through the news websites this morning when I came across this article.

Do you REALLY need antidepressants?

It was quite interesting but unfortunately brief.  Scientists have been analysing brain activity of people who are suffering from depression to determine whether medication or CBT is going to help.

I had a conversation with my doctor the other day asking him about other alternatives to taking medication.  He assured me that if there were anything that was more effective than taking antidepressants then he'd prescribe that.

They say that keeping active, taking exercise, etc helps to heal the mind. Surely on that basis I could get away with not taking my medication?

I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to stay off work. I don't have a job. I have the freedom to do what I need to do to support my recovery.  Why should medication be used to mask any negative feelings people have about their lives? I personally really like my life, I have nothing to hide from and don't want to change anything. I only want to start working towards getting better by volunteering and eventually going back to work.

I'm seeing the doctor on Tuesday and I'm going to have a serious conversation with him about coming off the medication. Who knows....he may just agree. More likely though he'll tell me that it's important to stay on the medication. I do trust my doctor. He's guided me through this whole illness.  Does he necessarily know best over all of the other experts discussing different theories?

My guess is no one truly knows what the most effective solution is.  This modern illness is not good, not healthy. No one really knows what causes it and how to cure it. We can only take a stab in the dark.

sr
x

Volunteering

I went away over the weekend to visit my family in N. Devon. I had a lovely time catching up with everybody and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  The annoying thing is that I managed to forget to take my tablets with me!

I'm back home now and have started taking them again but the result is that I have been left exhausted.  Whether or not it's because I've started taking the tablets again after a gap or the fact that I stopped taking them I do not know.  I've been taking naps during the day to combat the tiredness which over the last six months I've tried to avoid.  There's no way I want to mess up my sleep pattern by beginning to sleep during the day and be awake at night.

I was disappointed that I couldn't work in the nursing home for younger people. I am now beginning to look at other options. The do-it website has loads of volunteering opportunities and I've applied for a few which I think may be interesting.  A local care home for elderly people is looking for someone to read the newspapers to people with sight difficulties, a toddler group is after a person to help set up and tidy away (general help) and there is an adult learning centre looking for some type of teaching assistant.

I thought these sounded right up my alley so I've applied and hope to hear back next week.  It'll feel good to be doing something positive with my life and I'll have to see how it goes. I've been warned not to take too much on board but I figure a couple of hours for roughly 3x mornings a week might serve me well.

I'll keep you updated
sr x

Sensitivities

There seems to be some sort of change in me.  Since I found out I was ill I've become super sensitive.  I can't help but worry when others are unhappy or having difficulties.

Some examples,

When on holiday, mother-in-law was having difficulties with one of the walks we were doing.  She was complaining a little, not massively, but it was obvious that she didn't really want to do it.  My partner reasoned with me and said it was her choice to walk with us and she didn't have to do the walk.  He's exactly right.  I spend the whole walk, though, worrying about how annoyed she was, whether she was cross with us for making us walk and whether her holiday was being ruined.

My auntie was complaining about some bits and pieces to me yesterday.  Just little family niggles.  I won't go in to details about this because I don't think it's fair to betray her confidence.  However, I then spent the evening worrying about her.  Whether she was ok, what I could do to help and really fretting about the fact that I couldn't do anything to help her.

I know that on the whole I am a thoughtful person.  I also acknowledge that I am quite sensitive.  What I do find strange though is that these little problems that people are having really effect me on a massive scale.  Recently I've been making myself sick with worry about something so small that the person with the problem definitely worries about it less than I have been!

If anyone has any advice on how to calm my irrational thoughts and over-zealous concern for others then please feel free to comment on this post.  It'd be great to get some more dialogue going to hopefully begin to enrich these posts a little more.

sr x

Mortality is a very real issue

Yesterday I had an appointment at a nursing home to begin to think about doing some volunteering.  It was a stunning place especially for young adults with a genetic condition that limits their life.  The residents have to be 16 to come and live in the home and most will have died by the time they get to their mid twenties.

I so desperately want to volunteer at this place.  They are looking for volunteers who can come and befriend a few of the residents and enjoy a range of activities with them; whether it be watching a film, reading a book or having a go on the drums. 

It's so frustrating that I can't be of help. I need to consider my own fragile state.  The lady that gave me a tour said she can't guarantee that every visit will be a good one because residents may be agitated, in pain or just unwell.  While this is perfectly understandable and forgivable I need to be selfish in this decision.  It only takes a small hiccup to send me into a downward spiral.  Can I afford to put myself in a situation which could cause such a consequence?

Tough times ahead,

sr x

Onwards and upwards

I went to the doctors yesterday, felt really good to have a positive appointment.  This is the first time I've been allowed to go two months without a doctors appointment.  I can't believe that he said it! I'm so used to him saying 'I'll see you in two weeks/one month'. This time he said....

'If you keep doing as well as you're doing I'll see you in TWO MONTHS'

Finally I don't need monitoring.  Finally I'm not considered vulnerable. Finally I'm functioning as a (nearly) normal human being!

I've still got my on-going sick note. I'm signed off till the end of the month, but that's it.  I'll be allowed to work again then!

I've rung a care home for younger people asking if they need some help of a volunteer with their craft and cooking activities and am beginning to pull together some ideas for starting my own business.  I know I'm a bit crazy starting to think through these things but I can do it at my own pace and do as much as I feel healthy to do. 

Good news day!
sr x

Liberation comes

I've just come back to a well needed holiday in The Lake District. It was beautiful.  There's something about the power of nature that just restores you.  It seems to energise you and make you feel at peace with yourself.

The size of the hills, the constant water flow; I don't know, it just makes you feel insignificant. To me, that's comforting. It makes me realise how unimportant I am to the functioning of the world as a whole and that no matter what I do, everything will be ok.

I guess it's a kind of strange logic.  Reading back what I've just written almost seems depressing in itself.  It's not though.  I'm not making any self-depreciating remarks or wallowing in self-pity.  Yes, I do have the responsibility to make the most of my life, contribute what I can and enjoy my time on this earth.  Also, though, I don't matter. I don't need to take a great lump of responsibility because no matter what I do, whether it be good or bad, the world won't end.

It's my duty to do the very best I can with my life, but if I don't? It's not really a major problem.

Philosophical? Yes. Liberating? Definately.

sr xx

Food for thought

I've asked a couple of friends to take a look at my blog and see what they think and I've asked them to tell anyone they think it will be relevant.

A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me.  He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed.  I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.

So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.

Psychological symptoms include:

• continuous low mood or sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• having low self-esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling guilt-ridden
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others
• having no motivation or interest in things
• finding it difficult to make decisions
• not getting any enjoyment out of life
• feeling anxious or worried
• having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:

• moving or speaking more slowly than usual
• change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)  
• unexplained aches and pains
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:

• not doing well at work
• taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
• neglecting your hobbies and interests
• having difficulties in your home and family life

So here they are. My opinions?  I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?

Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again.  Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.

I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.

Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow.  The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life.  He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.

Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal.  How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.

It's like being in purgatory.  I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.

Definately food for though,

sr x

Food food food

Well my healthy eating kick seems to be going well. I've cut out all snacks which was super hard and have been eating loads of yummy, fresh, healthy food.

I'm a notorious snacker. I'm the kind of person that likes to eat every couple of hours and I hate feeling hungry. I've been telling myself that I don't need these snacks and that I just need to train my body to not need feeding every few hours.

Before Easter I was taking Mirtazipine. It's a medicine that is supposed to support sleeping and help the effects of the antidepressants.  The side effect of this was massive. I was constantly wanting and needing to eat. I would have blood sugar drops and feel shaky and dizzy if I wasn't fed every two hours. I ate like a horse! Two breakfasts, two lunches, two dinners and snacks! And honestly, I could have eaten more but I refrained because I thought the quantity of food I was eating was, quite simple, ridiculous.

Needless to say, the doctor only kept me on those tablets for a couple of months. I'm now taking a different medication and the excessive need for food has stopped. I managed to put all of the weight on that dropped off me from previously not eating and I also put on another half a stone on top of that!

So now comes the time that I'm going to purposely and consciously regulate my eating habits again. It feels good. I'm eating healthily and there's something satisfying about controlling your food intake. For some reason I just feel better about myself when I'm  monitoring my calorie consumption.

It's going well so far. I've lost 4lb in about a week and a half. I'll continue this until I drop down to a weight which is right for my frame. Currently I'm 11st, I'll aim to drop about one and a half stone to bring me down to 9st 7 ish.

I love having a specific target, a goal to aim for.

I'll keep you updated,

sr x