I have had a friend to stay for a week to help me paint my house. I'm very lucky that he painted all of the rooms and my house now looks clean and fresh again.
Now he's gone, once again the twiddling of the thumbs has returned. I'm still waiting for the volunteering to begin and am still itching to get going.
I suppose as I said yesterday, life isn't completely easy and I ought to be patient.
The waiting continues
sr x
Wednesday 3 July 2013
Tuesday 2 July 2013
Rose-tinted glasses
I had a very interesting session with my counsellor today. I finished my last session feeling sceptical about the whole CBT thing. I'm pretty sure I wrote on my blog that I wasn't convinced but would be willing to give it a go.
Lowe and behold I've had a breakthrough!! She asked that I write down three or four events that have affected me, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I was a little rubbish with the writing aspect, but dutifully I did think through and analyse at what points I was feeling negative.
The three things I made note of were as follows;
I continued my session exploring this theme. We began to discuss further my relationship with my Mum. I've never thought much about the conversations that I have with my Mum but at this point I was able to sit down and talk it through in some detail. I very much care about her and worry about whether she's ok. She still holds a fair bit of resentment over the divorce with my Dad and I seem to be taking it upon myself to try to ensure her happiness. Her own happiness is not my responsibility. She needs to learn to let go and it's not my job to boost her.
I've always been very much the 'perfect' daughter. I've always done as I was told and mostly not caused any problems. I hold that in quite high esteem and still seem to do this as an adult. What I now need to start doing is realising that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not have to be kind to everyone, I do not have to be permanently bubbly and I am allowed to make mistakes. Life is designed to challenge and I am very lucky to have gotten to 26 without facing many hiccups along the way.
Part of being the 'perfect daughter' means that I now need to grow up. Financially I'm standing on my own to feet but now I must emotionally become independent from my Mum. If I rely on her emotionally then she will continue to have this hold on me and she will be able to continue to advise me on how to live my life. In the nicest possible way, maybe it's time to tell her to butt out.
I don't do well with conflict. Normally I avoid it at all costs. I like to be nice to people. I don't like to upset or hurt anyone. Conflict is actually a natural part of life. We can't always agree and different opinions is what makes life interesting. I am not a bad person if I disagree with someone or have a tiff with them.
My life is not going to run smoothly and perfectly. But my life will go on. Now is the time that I need to remove my rose-tinted spectacles and realise that even if the ride is a little bumpy, everything is still good. Nothing massively bad will happen if I hit a few bumps along the way, if I fail at something or if I just cruise at an even pace for a bit. Life will always go on and everything will be ok.
It seems like all of a sudden I'm waking up to the fact that I've been living my whole entire life in a bubble. I like my little bubble where everything is easy and can be judged as black or white. I don't like ambiguity. I don't like shades of grey. Things are going to have to get rather multi-coloured around here and I'm going to have to learn to enjoy it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. Nervous. Who knows what this revelation will bring!
sr x
Lowe and behold I've had a breakthrough!! She asked that I write down three or four events that have affected me, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I was a little rubbish with the writing aspect, but dutifully I did think through and analyse at what points I was feeling negative.
The three things I made note of were as follows;
- a conversation with my mum
- a walk I went on with my partner and his parents
- a conversation I had with my auntie
I continued my session exploring this theme. We began to discuss further my relationship with my Mum. I've never thought much about the conversations that I have with my Mum but at this point I was able to sit down and talk it through in some detail. I very much care about her and worry about whether she's ok. She still holds a fair bit of resentment over the divorce with my Dad and I seem to be taking it upon myself to try to ensure her happiness. Her own happiness is not my responsibility. She needs to learn to let go and it's not my job to boost her.
I've always been very much the 'perfect' daughter. I've always done as I was told and mostly not caused any problems. I hold that in quite high esteem and still seem to do this as an adult. What I now need to start doing is realising that I AM NOT PERFECT. I do not have to be kind to everyone, I do not have to be permanently bubbly and I am allowed to make mistakes. Life is designed to challenge and I am very lucky to have gotten to 26 without facing many hiccups along the way.
Part of being the 'perfect daughter' means that I now need to grow up. Financially I'm standing on my own to feet but now I must emotionally become independent from my Mum. If I rely on her emotionally then she will continue to have this hold on me and she will be able to continue to advise me on how to live my life. In the nicest possible way, maybe it's time to tell her to butt out.
I don't do well with conflict. Normally I avoid it at all costs. I like to be nice to people. I don't like to upset or hurt anyone. Conflict is actually a natural part of life. We can't always agree and different opinions is what makes life interesting. I am not a bad person if I disagree with someone or have a tiff with them.
My life is not going to run smoothly and perfectly. But my life will go on. Now is the time that I need to remove my rose-tinted spectacles and realise that even if the ride is a little bumpy, everything is still good. Nothing massively bad will happen if I hit a few bumps along the way, if I fail at something or if I just cruise at an even pace for a bit. Life will always go on and everything will be ok.
It seems like all of a sudden I'm waking up to the fact that I've been living my whole entire life in a bubble. I like my little bubble where everything is easy and can be judged as black or white. I don't like ambiguity. I don't like shades of grey. Things are going to have to get rather multi-coloured around here and I'm going to have to learn to enjoy it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. Nervous. Who knows what this revelation will bring!
sr x
Saturday 29 June 2013
The CBT challenge
I've got my next counselling appointment on Tuesday. That'll be number 3 out of 4 sessions. I'm going to give this CBT a go.
I'm currently lying in bed, moping....well, I was moping, but now I've decided that I'm going to bash out my thoughts on my blog in a hope that I can turn these negative thoughts into more positive and productive thoughts.
The last few days I've had a lot going on. My puppy was castrated, he bit me (twice), I've had a really bitchy text message from a former lodger, my puppy got attacked, my puppy has had a blood test which has come back saying he has liver damage, a rejection from my other half and my mum gave some really bad advice!!!
Looking at this list and then analysing how I feel actually makes me feel a little pathetic. All of the negative feelings I am going through related to these minor incidents are all unnecessary. I should shrug it all of and just crack on with my day.
Now time to turn these thoughts in to positive thoughts.
Being bitten.....he was in pain, he was hungry, he is still a well natured dog. Ok, so I need to think through the action I'm going to take. Once his cone is off (in 7 days) I will up the level of training I do with him to reinforce who's boss. He is generally obedient and I know that with work, that will continue. Now how do I feel about it? It's not such a problem when I look at the reasons why it happened. I can still feel proud of the training I've done with him and it's a work in progress.
He got bitten. I was shocked. He didn't provoke it. Positive - he wasn't hurt and doesn't really seem all that bothered. Therefore, not a problem. Easy. All I need to do is make sure he has chance to say hello to some other dogs on his walk later.
The advice from my Mum. She seems to think that my friend who is staying with me (he's decorating my house) is treading on my partners toes. I know for a fact that this isn't the truth because I asked. She said "take it from someone who knows". She's been in that situation before but then my relationships aren't like hers. I like to think that I have a strong relationship with my other half and that he'd tell me if there was an issue. Maybe I'll ring her and tell her that. Actually, on second thoughts, that might not be productive because she probably brushed her comments off as insignificant so she'll wonder why I was dwelling on what she said.
The text message, I think, is the major upset. I've offered a piece of furniture to the girl who's just moved out and asked her if she was going to come and pick it up. I also asked her why she didn't tell us that her blind was broken and that she burnt the carpet with the iron. The iron damage was particularly annoying because it ruined two of my partners work shirts and we had to buy a new iron as a result of it. I do feel that the text was non-confrontational. I also asked her what she wanted me to do with her post. She asked that I forwarded it and that I only ever text her regarding her post and not to contact her again. I do think that her response was unnecessary but then again, I need to think about the reasons why she responded as she did. I probably made her feel defensive when asking her about the damage in the room, because after all, it's our house and our things. A text is also quite hard to read in to so she may have thought the tone of my text was more accusational or aggressive than it was intended to be. She has moved out now and I don't have to deal with her again. We only ever use the room for a lodger to stay in and had already been intending to replace the blinds with curtains anyway. The curtains have, in fact, already been put up.
Strangely enough, thinking these incidents through logically and writing down my rambling monologue seems to have helped. I guess it's the process of going through the incidents and churning them over. These things that get on top of my can be shrugged off with a little thought. It seems that with this illness I don't think about the things, I just allow them to push me in to a pit of despair.
I actually now feel ready to drag my backside out of bed and confront the world. It's not as bad as it seems. Funnily enough, I feel so much more positive and that the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe this CBT malarkey actually works!!!
sr x
I'm currently lying in bed, moping....well, I was moping, but now I've decided that I'm going to bash out my thoughts on my blog in a hope that I can turn these negative thoughts into more positive and productive thoughts.
The last few days I've had a lot going on. My puppy was castrated, he bit me (twice), I've had a really bitchy text message from a former lodger, my puppy got attacked, my puppy has had a blood test which has come back saying he has liver damage, a rejection from my other half and my mum gave some really bad advice!!!
Looking at this list and then analysing how I feel actually makes me feel a little pathetic. All of the negative feelings I am going through related to these minor incidents are all unnecessary. I should shrug it all of and just crack on with my day.
Now time to turn these thoughts in to positive thoughts.
Being bitten.....he was in pain, he was hungry, he is still a well natured dog. Ok, so I need to think through the action I'm going to take. Once his cone is off (in 7 days) I will up the level of training I do with him to reinforce who's boss. He is generally obedient and I know that with work, that will continue. Now how do I feel about it? It's not such a problem when I look at the reasons why it happened. I can still feel proud of the training I've done with him and it's a work in progress.
He got bitten. I was shocked. He didn't provoke it. Positive - he wasn't hurt and doesn't really seem all that bothered. Therefore, not a problem. Easy. All I need to do is make sure he has chance to say hello to some other dogs on his walk later.
The advice from my Mum. She seems to think that my friend who is staying with me (he's decorating my house) is treading on my partners toes. I know for a fact that this isn't the truth because I asked. She said "take it from someone who knows". She's been in that situation before but then my relationships aren't like hers. I like to think that I have a strong relationship with my other half and that he'd tell me if there was an issue. Maybe I'll ring her and tell her that. Actually, on second thoughts, that might not be productive because she probably brushed her comments off as insignificant so she'll wonder why I was dwelling on what she said.
The text message, I think, is the major upset. I've offered a piece of furniture to the girl who's just moved out and asked her if she was going to come and pick it up. I also asked her why she didn't tell us that her blind was broken and that she burnt the carpet with the iron. The iron damage was particularly annoying because it ruined two of my partners work shirts and we had to buy a new iron as a result of it. I do feel that the text was non-confrontational. I also asked her what she wanted me to do with her post. She asked that I forwarded it and that I only ever text her regarding her post and not to contact her again. I do think that her response was unnecessary but then again, I need to think about the reasons why she responded as she did. I probably made her feel defensive when asking her about the damage in the room, because after all, it's our house and our things. A text is also quite hard to read in to so she may have thought the tone of my text was more accusational or aggressive than it was intended to be. She has moved out now and I don't have to deal with her again. We only ever use the room for a lodger to stay in and had already been intending to replace the blinds with curtains anyway. The curtains have, in fact, already been put up.
Strangely enough, thinking these incidents through logically and writing down my rambling monologue seems to have helped. I guess it's the process of going through the incidents and churning them over. These things that get on top of my can be shrugged off with a little thought. It seems that with this illness I don't think about the things, I just allow them to push me in to a pit of despair.
I actually now feel ready to drag my backside out of bed and confront the world. It's not as bad as it seems. Funnily enough, I feel so much more positive and that the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe this CBT malarkey actually works!!!
sr x
Friday 28 June 2013
Alcohol and Depression
I'm writing this post of an evening where I am sat cosily with some music on the telly and a cider by my side. A pretty lovely evening really. I have a friend staying, he's playing with my pup and the other half is chilling out on the sofa opposite.
It has kinda made me think though. How much alcohol is a problem? Is alcohol even safe for a person suffering with depression?
So the research begins. Apparently, people with alcohol problems have symptoms which are comparable with depression. Alcoholics have difficulties with fatigue, sleeping difficulties and poor appetite, etc. These symptoms mirror a person who is depressed. Alcohol can also cause low mood in itself as it is a depressant. The question is do people suffering with depression tend to self-medicate with alcohol? I'm thinking that some people might. Between 5 and 10% of people suffering with depression also have problems with alcohol. This can be a genetic connection (I have family members who have both suffered from alcoholism and depression).
I suppose I need to take steps towards changing my relationship with alcohol. Yesterday, I drank no alcohol. The day before I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, but I did have company. It definitely does seem to be turning in to a habit. I think it's habit and for the mood lifting qualities (alcohol does briefly enhance your mood) but this is obviously counter-productive.
It seems really dangerous that the levels of antidepressant medication can be altered by alcohol. It can increase the levels of the dose within your system as your liver becomes less able to process and alcohol and the medication. Scary stuff.
The NHS also has some advice on depression and alcohol. It seems to focus on alcoholism rather than depression though. It does have some scary stats.
Right, so now I'm going to go in the kitchen and pour the rest of my cider down the sink!!
sr x
It has kinda made me think though. How much alcohol is a problem? Is alcohol even safe for a person suffering with depression?
So the research begins. Apparently, people with alcohol problems have symptoms which are comparable with depression. Alcoholics have difficulties with fatigue, sleeping difficulties and poor appetite, etc. These symptoms mirror a person who is depressed. Alcohol can also cause low mood in itself as it is a depressant. The question is do people suffering with depression tend to self-medicate with alcohol? I'm thinking that some people might. Between 5 and 10% of people suffering with depression also have problems with alcohol. This can be a genetic connection (I have family members who have both suffered from alcoholism and depression).
I suppose I need to take steps towards changing my relationship with alcohol. Yesterday, I drank no alcohol. The day before I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself, but I did have company. It definitely does seem to be turning in to a habit. I think it's habit and for the mood lifting qualities (alcohol does briefly enhance your mood) but this is obviously counter-productive.
It seems really dangerous that the levels of antidepressant medication can be altered by alcohol. It can increase the levels of the dose within your system as your liver becomes less able to process and alcohol and the medication. Scary stuff.
The NHS also has some advice on depression and alcohol. It seems to focus on alcoholism rather than depression though. It does have some scary stats.
Right, so now I'm going to go in the kitchen and pour the rest of my cider down the sink!!
sr x
Wednesday 26 June 2013
Baby Blues
There hits a point in a woman's life when suddenly the hormones take effect and the dream of having a family becomes a real aspiration. I'm beginning to hit that point. So when a woman decides she wants a baby what considerations should she take?
Is it safe to plan to conceive while suffering from depression? Is it wise and sensible? This is where it becomes a tricky issue. I feel so much better in myself. I feel like I'm functioning like a normal human being and my spark and bubbly personality is beginning to shine through. Thinking like this, considering I'm currently not working, I can see no reason why we can't begin to try for a baby.
Looking at this financially, we're already able to live on one wage. This is proven by the fact that I'm not working.
Next, my mental health. Am I really as stable as I give myself credit for? I like to think so. How do you really know though? My volunteering hasn't yet started so I haven't yet begun to challenge myself to get back in to a routine. Nine months time I can imagine I'll be perfectly fit and well.
The physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body might be problematic. It seems to be a well known fact that pregnant women have a lot of hormones rushing through their bodies which sometimes upsets the equilibrium. Perhaps a change in hormones will end up with me plummeting into another round of severe depression.
Finally, I read the other day that some research shows that antidepressants can harm your unborn baby. I did ask the doctor what would happen if I did conceive. He seemed to think that the risks are pretty minimal and they might change my medication but that it's ok to continue with antidepressants despite being pregnant. Do I assume that the media is scaremongering or that my GP, whom I trust, is out of date with the latest research?
All of this seems to show that it isn't a good idea. We'll review again in 12 months and hopefully it'll be a better time. Surely people with depression do conceive though? I guess in essence it's a moral mine field. How poorly do you have to be before you're 'unable' to have a baby? Surely that can't work in either a medical or physical capacity. That'd be discrimination.
Anyone got any thoughts? Leave a comment.
sr x
Is it safe to plan to conceive while suffering from depression? Is it wise and sensible? This is where it becomes a tricky issue. I feel so much better in myself. I feel like I'm functioning like a normal human being and my spark and bubbly personality is beginning to shine through. Thinking like this, considering I'm currently not working, I can see no reason why we can't begin to try for a baby.
Looking at this financially, we're already able to live on one wage. This is proven by the fact that I'm not working.
Next, my mental health. Am I really as stable as I give myself credit for? I like to think so. How do you really know though? My volunteering hasn't yet started so I haven't yet begun to challenge myself to get back in to a routine. Nine months time I can imagine I'll be perfectly fit and well.
The physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body might be problematic. It seems to be a well known fact that pregnant women have a lot of hormones rushing through their bodies which sometimes upsets the equilibrium. Perhaps a change in hormones will end up with me plummeting into another round of severe depression.
Finally, I read the other day that some research shows that antidepressants can harm your unborn baby. I did ask the doctor what would happen if I did conceive. He seemed to think that the risks are pretty minimal and they might change my medication but that it's ok to continue with antidepressants despite being pregnant. Do I assume that the media is scaremongering or that my GP, whom I trust, is out of date with the latest research?
All of this seems to show that it isn't a good idea. We'll review again in 12 months and hopefully it'll be a better time. Surely people with depression do conceive though? I guess in essence it's a moral mine field. How poorly do you have to be before you're 'unable' to have a baby? Surely that can't work in either a medical or physical capacity. That'd be discrimination.
Anyone got any thoughts? Leave a comment.
sr x
Monday 24 June 2013
Annoyingly restless
I've been twiddling my thumbs today. I'm so much better that I'm beginning to need more. I need my friends, I need to do things, I need to work, I need to be active.
There are so many needs that I don't seem able to fulfil at the moment! My friends work during the day, as does my partner. I can't continually bug them to spend time with me because they need a work-life balance. They have housework to do and sleep to catch up on.
The working is getting there but the wait to be approved for my volunteering is getting tedious. I feel like now that I've applied I'm itching to start. I'd get going tomorrow if I could. I desperately need it to get some excitement, structure and interest in to my day.
Doing things? A lot of this seems, to me, to be money orientated. I can't spend my life going bowling, ice skating, to the cinema, eating out, etc because I no longer have a job or an income. I can't stand shopping at the best of times so really don't fancy window shopping.
Since January I've spent a lot of time and money sorting the house out. This will have to stop now that I no longer have an income. So until this volunteering comes through I just feel like I'm wasting my days; there's only so many times you can read the news online in the space of twenty four hours!
I might be tempted tomorrow to have another go at starting the exercise programme. I started the C25K in September but stopped due to a strain in my hamstring. I could dedicate some time to this. That will be both productive and fulfilling....I hope!
So this aimless chatter that I'm doing has now given me a next step! Tomorrow I WILL go for a run!
It's like a problem solving monologue. The more I type, the more likely I am to come up with a solution or a next step. Maybe this blog truly is helping me progress! The fight is still ongoing and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
sr x
There are so many needs that I don't seem able to fulfil at the moment! My friends work during the day, as does my partner. I can't continually bug them to spend time with me because they need a work-life balance. They have housework to do and sleep to catch up on.
The working is getting there but the wait to be approved for my volunteering is getting tedious. I feel like now that I've applied I'm itching to start. I'd get going tomorrow if I could. I desperately need it to get some excitement, structure and interest in to my day.
Doing things? A lot of this seems, to me, to be money orientated. I can't spend my life going bowling, ice skating, to the cinema, eating out, etc because I no longer have a job or an income. I can't stand shopping at the best of times so really don't fancy window shopping.
Since January I've spent a lot of time and money sorting the house out. This will have to stop now that I no longer have an income. So until this volunteering comes through I just feel like I'm wasting my days; there's only so many times you can read the news online in the space of twenty four hours!
I might be tempted tomorrow to have another go at starting the exercise programme. I started the C25K in September but stopped due to a strain in my hamstring. I could dedicate some time to this. That will be both productive and fulfilling....I hope!
So this aimless chatter that I'm doing has now given me a next step! Tomorrow I WILL go for a run!
It's like a problem solving monologue. The more I type, the more likely I am to come up with a solution or a next step. Maybe this blog truly is helping me progress! The fight is still ongoing and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
sr x
Sunday 23 June 2013
Time to review
I'm beginning to be a little stuck for inspiration. At the moment I'm functioning pretty well but I've considered most of the main topics I thought I'd like to cover within this blog.
So where do I go from now? I guess that's just it. Does this blog really have to go anywhere? Surely the motivation of writing this blog is to help me get better so as long as that's what's happening it doesn't really matter what direction this thing takes.
This morning I had a look at my very first blog post. It was written on 13th May. That seems like an eternity ago. I can't imagine what I was like then. How did I even manage to get through the day?
At the time it was written I said that I was 'beginning to pull myself together.' And now? Well I think I am pretty much all in one piece. Finally. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm smiling, laughing, joking and generally going about my life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. The noose is no longer (metaphorically) around my neck and life is feeling good.
I'm excited to see what the future holds and am beginning to make plans. I'm hoping that within the next 18 months my partner and I will get married and I'm so very much looking forward to starting a family. The main thing preventing these massive events in my life is my mental health.
My partner tells me that he wants me to be truly better before we plan a wedding because he doesn't want me to regret the decision or take the plunge because of my illness. I argue that we can crack on despite the depression but I suppose he needs the confidence to know that I won't take another massive dip. I'm not really sure I can give him that guarantee though.
In May, I wrote about the purpose of my blog;
I think this highlights my progress. I have more control of this beast. It's still with me, but now maybe the shadow is the one in chains rather than me! At least no matter how many backward steps I'm taking I am still ultimately heading in a forward motion!
sr x
So where do I go from now? I guess that's just it. Does this blog really have to go anywhere? Surely the motivation of writing this blog is to help me get better so as long as that's what's happening it doesn't really matter what direction this thing takes.
This morning I had a look at my very first blog post. It was written on 13th May. That seems like an eternity ago. I can't imagine what I was like then. How did I even manage to get through the day?
At the time it was written I said that I was 'beginning to pull myself together.' And now? Well I think I am pretty much all in one piece. Finally. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm smiling, laughing, joking and generally going about my life without the weight of the world on my shoulders. The noose is no longer (metaphorically) around my neck and life is feeling good.
I'm excited to see what the future holds and am beginning to make plans. I'm hoping that within the next 18 months my partner and I will get married and I'm so very much looking forward to starting a family. The main thing preventing these massive events in my life is my mental health.
My partner tells me that he wants me to be truly better before we plan a wedding because he doesn't want me to regret the decision or take the plunge because of my illness. I argue that we can crack on despite the depression but I suppose he needs the confidence to know that I won't take another massive dip. I'm not really sure I can give him that guarantee though.
In May, I wrote about the purpose of my blog;
"It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast."
I think this highlights my progress. I have more control of this beast. It's still with me, but now maybe the shadow is the one in chains rather than me! At least no matter how many backward steps I'm taking I am still ultimately heading in a forward motion!
sr x
Saturday 22 June 2013
Is there really an answer?
I was browsing through the news websites this morning when I came across this article.
Do you REALLY need antidepressants?
It was quite interesting but unfortunately brief. Scientists have been analysing brain activity of people who are suffering from depression to determine whether medication or CBT is going to help.
I had a conversation with my doctor the other day asking him about other alternatives to taking medication. He assured me that if there were anything that was more effective than taking antidepressants then he'd prescribe that.
They say that keeping active, taking exercise, etc helps to heal the mind. Surely on that basis I could get away with not taking my medication?
I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to stay off work. I don't have a job. I have the freedom to do what I need to do to support my recovery. Why should medication be used to mask any negative feelings people have about their lives? I personally really like my life, I have nothing to hide from and don't want to change anything. I only want to start working towards getting better by volunteering and eventually going back to work.
I'm seeing the doctor on Tuesday and I'm going to have a serious conversation with him about coming off the medication. Who knows....he may just agree. More likely though he'll tell me that it's important to stay on the medication. I do trust my doctor. He's guided me through this whole illness. Does he necessarily know best over all of the other experts discussing different theories?
My guess is no one truly knows what the most effective solution is. This modern illness is not good, not healthy. No one really knows what causes it and how to cure it. We can only take a stab in the dark.
sr
x
Do you REALLY need antidepressants?
It was quite interesting but unfortunately brief. Scientists have been analysing brain activity of people who are suffering from depression to determine whether medication or CBT is going to help.
I had a conversation with my doctor the other day asking him about other alternatives to taking medication. He assured me that if there were anything that was more effective than taking antidepressants then he'd prescribe that.
They say that keeping active, taking exercise, etc helps to heal the mind. Surely on that basis I could get away with not taking my medication?
I'm lucky enough to be able to afford to stay off work. I don't have a job. I have the freedom to do what I need to do to support my recovery. Why should medication be used to mask any negative feelings people have about their lives? I personally really like my life, I have nothing to hide from and don't want to change anything. I only want to start working towards getting better by volunteering and eventually going back to work.
I'm seeing the doctor on Tuesday and I'm going to have a serious conversation with him about coming off the medication. Who knows....he may just agree. More likely though he'll tell me that it's important to stay on the medication. I do trust my doctor. He's guided me through this whole illness. Does he necessarily know best over all of the other experts discussing different theories?
My guess is no one truly knows what the most effective solution is. This modern illness is not good, not healthy. No one really knows what causes it and how to cure it. We can only take a stab in the dark.
sr
x
Friday 21 June 2013
Volunteering
I went away over the weekend to visit my family in N. Devon. I had a lovely time catching up with everybody and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The annoying thing is that I managed to forget to take my tablets with me!
I'm back home now and have started taking them again but the result is that I have been left exhausted. Whether or not it's because I've started taking the tablets again after a gap or the fact that I stopped taking them I do not know. I've been taking naps during the day to combat the tiredness which over the last six months I've tried to avoid. There's no way I want to mess up my sleep pattern by beginning to sleep during the day and be awake at night.
I was disappointed that I couldn't work in the nursing home for younger people. I am now beginning to look at other options. The do-it website has loads of volunteering opportunities and I've applied for a few which I think may be interesting. A local care home for elderly people is looking for someone to read the newspapers to people with sight difficulties, a toddler group is after a person to help set up and tidy away (general help) and there is an adult learning centre looking for some type of teaching assistant.
I thought these sounded right up my alley so I've applied and hope to hear back next week. It'll feel good to be doing something positive with my life and I'll have to see how it goes. I've been warned not to take too much on board but I figure a couple of hours for roughly 3x mornings a week might serve me well.
I'll keep you updated
sr x
I'm back home now and have started taking them again but the result is that I have been left exhausted. Whether or not it's because I've started taking the tablets again after a gap or the fact that I stopped taking them I do not know. I've been taking naps during the day to combat the tiredness which over the last six months I've tried to avoid. There's no way I want to mess up my sleep pattern by beginning to sleep during the day and be awake at night.
I was disappointed that I couldn't work in the nursing home for younger people. I am now beginning to look at other options. The do-it website has loads of volunteering opportunities and I've applied for a few which I think may be interesting. A local care home for elderly people is looking for someone to read the newspapers to people with sight difficulties, a toddler group is after a person to help set up and tidy away (general help) and there is an adult learning centre looking for some type of teaching assistant.
I thought these sounded right up my alley so I've applied and hope to hear back next week. It'll feel good to be doing something positive with my life and I'll have to see how it goes. I've been warned not to take too much on board but I figure a couple of hours for roughly 3x mornings a week might serve me well.
I'll keep you updated
sr x
Friday 14 June 2013
Sensitivities
There seems to be some sort of change in me. Since I found out I was ill I've become super sensitive. I can't help but worry when others are unhappy or having difficulties.
Some examples,
When on holiday, mother-in-law was having difficulties with one of the walks we were doing. She was complaining a little, not massively, but it was obvious that she didn't really want to do it. My partner reasoned with me and said it was her choice to walk with us and she didn't have to do the walk. He's exactly right. I spend the whole walk, though, worrying about how annoyed she was, whether she was cross with us for making us walk and whether her holiday was being ruined.
My auntie was complaining about some bits and pieces to me yesterday. Just little family niggles. I won't go in to details about this because I don't think it's fair to betray her confidence. However, I then spent the evening worrying about her. Whether she was ok, what I could do to help and really fretting about the fact that I couldn't do anything to help her.
I know that on the whole I am a thoughtful person. I also acknowledge that I am quite sensitive. What I do find strange though is that these little problems that people are having really effect me on a massive scale. Recently I've been making myself sick with worry about something so small that the person with the problem definitely worries about it less than I have been!
If anyone has any advice on how to calm my irrational thoughts and over-zealous concern for others then please feel free to comment on this post. It'd be great to get some more dialogue going to hopefully begin to enrich these posts a little more.
sr x
Some examples,
When on holiday, mother-in-law was having difficulties with one of the walks we were doing. She was complaining a little, not massively, but it was obvious that she didn't really want to do it. My partner reasoned with me and said it was her choice to walk with us and she didn't have to do the walk. He's exactly right. I spend the whole walk, though, worrying about how annoyed she was, whether she was cross with us for making us walk and whether her holiday was being ruined.
My auntie was complaining about some bits and pieces to me yesterday. Just little family niggles. I won't go in to details about this because I don't think it's fair to betray her confidence. However, I then spent the evening worrying about her. Whether she was ok, what I could do to help and really fretting about the fact that I couldn't do anything to help her.
I know that on the whole I am a thoughtful person. I also acknowledge that I am quite sensitive. What I do find strange though is that these little problems that people are having really effect me on a massive scale. Recently I've been making myself sick with worry about something so small that the person with the problem definitely worries about it less than I have been!
If anyone has any advice on how to calm my irrational thoughts and over-zealous concern for others then please feel free to comment on this post. It'd be great to get some more dialogue going to hopefully begin to enrich these posts a little more.
sr x
Thursday 13 June 2013
Mortality is a very real issue
Yesterday I had an appointment at a nursing home to begin to think about doing some volunteering. It was a stunning place especially for young adults with a genetic condition that limits their life. The residents have to be 16 to come and live in the home and most will have died by the time they get to their mid twenties.
I so desperately want to volunteer at this place. They are looking for volunteers who can come and befriend a few of the residents and enjoy a range of activities with them; whether it be watching a film, reading a book or having a go on the drums.
It's so frustrating that I can't be of help. I need to consider my own fragile state. The lady that gave me a tour said she can't guarantee that every visit will be a good one because residents may be agitated, in pain or just unwell. While this is perfectly understandable and forgivable I need to be selfish in this decision. It only takes a small hiccup to send me into a downward spiral. Can I afford to put myself in a situation which could cause such a consequence?
Tough times ahead,
sr x
I so desperately want to volunteer at this place. They are looking for volunteers who can come and befriend a few of the residents and enjoy a range of activities with them; whether it be watching a film, reading a book or having a go on the drums.
It's so frustrating that I can't be of help. I need to consider my own fragile state. The lady that gave me a tour said she can't guarantee that every visit will be a good one because residents may be agitated, in pain or just unwell. While this is perfectly understandable and forgivable I need to be selfish in this decision. It only takes a small hiccup to send me into a downward spiral. Can I afford to put myself in a situation which could cause such a consequence?
Tough times ahead,
sr x
Tuesday 11 June 2013
Onwards and upwards
I went to the doctors yesterday, felt really good to have a positive appointment. This is the first time I've been allowed to go two months without a doctors appointment. I can't believe that he said it! I'm so used to him saying 'I'll see you in two weeks/one month'. This time he said....
'If you keep doing as well as you're doing I'll see you in TWO MONTHS'
Finally I don't need monitoring. Finally I'm not considered vulnerable. Finally I'm functioning as a (nearly) normal human being!
I've still got my on-going sick note. I'm signed off till the end of the month, but that's it. I'll be allowed to work again then!
I've rung a care home for younger people asking if they need some help of a volunteer with their craft and cooking activities and am beginning to pull together some ideas for starting my own business. I know I'm a bit crazy starting to think through these things but I can do it at my own pace and do as much as I feel healthy to do.
Good news day!
sr x
'If you keep doing as well as you're doing I'll see you in TWO MONTHS'
Finally I don't need monitoring. Finally I'm not considered vulnerable. Finally I'm functioning as a (nearly) normal human being!
I've still got my on-going sick note. I'm signed off till the end of the month, but that's it. I'll be allowed to work again then!
I've rung a care home for younger people asking if they need some help of a volunteer with their craft and cooking activities and am beginning to pull together some ideas for starting my own business. I know I'm a bit crazy starting to think through these things but I can do it at my own pace and do as much as I feel healthy to do.
Good news day!
sr x
Monday 10 June 2013
Liberation comes
I've just come back to a well needed holiday in The Lake District. It was beautiful. There's something about the power of nature that just restores you. It seems to energise you and make you feel at peace with yourself.
The size of the hills, the constant water flow; I don't know, it just makes you feel insignificant. To me, that's comforting. It makes me realise how unimportant I am to the functioning of the world as a whole and that no matter what I do, everything will be ok.
I guess it's a kind of strange logic. Reading back what I've just written almost seems depressing in itself. It's not though. I'm not making any self-depreciating remarks or wallowing in self-pity. Yes, I do have the responsibility to make the most of my life, contribute what I can and enjoy my time on this earth. Also, though, I don't matter. I don't need to take a great lump of responsibility because no matter what I do, whether it be good or bad, the world won't end.
It's my duty to do the very best I can with my life, but if I don't? It's not really a major problem.
Philosophical? Yes. Liberating? Definately.
sr xx
The size of the hills, the constant water flow; I don't know, it just makes you feel insignificant. To me, that's comforting. It makes me realise how unimportant I am to the functioning of the world as a whole and that no matter what I do, everything will be ok.
I guess it's a kind of strange logic. Reading back what I've just written almost seems depressing in itself. It's not though. I'm not making any self-depreciating remarks or wallowing in self-pity. Yes, I do have the responsibility to make the most of my life, contribute what I can and enjoy my time on this earth. Also, though, I don't matter. I don't need to take a great lump of responsibility because no matter what I do, whether it be good or bad, the world won't end.
It's my duty to do the very best I can with my life, but if I don't? It's not really a major problem.
Philosophical? Yes. Liberating? Definately.
sr xx
Sunday 2 June 2013
Food for thought
I've asked a couple of friends to take a look at my blog and see what they think and I've asked them to tell anyone they think it will be relevant.
A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me. He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed. I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.
So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.
So here they are. My opinions? I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?
Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again. Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.
I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.
Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow. The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life. He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.
Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal. How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.
It's like being in purgatory. I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.
Definately food for though,
sr x
A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me. He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed. I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.
So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.
Psychological symptoms include:
- continuous low mood or sadness
- feeling hopeless and helpless
- having low self-esteem
- feeling tearful
- feeling guilt-ridden
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- having no motivation or interest in things
- finding it difficult to make decisions
- not getting any enjoyment out of life
- feeling anxious or worried
- having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
Physical symptoms include:
- moving or speaking more slowly than usual
- change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
- unexplained aches and pains
- lack of energy
- disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)
Social symptoms include:
- not doing well at work
- taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
- neglecting your hobbies and interests
- having difficulties in your home and family life
So here they are. My opinions? I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?
Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again. Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.
I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.
Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow. The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life. He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.
Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal. How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.
It's like being in purgatory. I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.
Definately food for though,
sr x
Saturday 1 June 2013
Food food food
Well my healthy eating kick seems to be going well. I've cut out all snacks which was super hard and have been eating loads of yummy, fresh, healthy food.
I'm a notorious snacker. I'm the kind of person that likes to eat every couple of hours and I hate feeling hungry. I've been telling myself that I don't need these snacks and that I just need to train my body to not need feeding every few hours.
Before Easter I was taking Mirtazipine. It's a medicine that is supposed to support sleeping and help the effects of the antidepressants. The side effect of this was massive. I was constantly wanting and needing to eat. I would have blood sugar drops and feel shaky and dizzy if I wasn't fed every two hours. I ate like a horse! Two breakfasts, two lunches, two dinners and snacks! And honestly, I could have eaten more but I refrained because I thought the quantity of food I was eating was, quite simple, ridiculous.
Needless to say, the doctor only kept me on those tablets for a couple of months. I'm now taking a different medication and the excessive need for food has stopped. I managed to put all of the weight on that dropped off me from previously not eating and I also put on another half a stone on top of that!
So now comes the time that I'm going to purposely and consciously regulate my eating habits again. It feels good. I'm eating healthily and there's something satisfying about controlling your food intake. For some reason I just feel better about myself when I'm monitoring my calorie consumption.
It's going well so far. I've lost 4lb in about a week and a half. I'll continue this until I drop down to a weight which is right for my frame. Currently I'm 11st, I'll aim to drop about one and a half stone to bring me down to 9st 7 ish.
I love having a specific target, a goal to aim for.
I'll keep you updated,
sr x
I'm a notorious snacker. I'm the kind of person that likes to eat every couple of hours and I hate feeling hungry. I've been telling myself that I don't need these snacks and that I just need to train my body to not need feeding every few hours.
Before Easter I was taking Mirtazipine. It's a medicine that is supposed to support sleeping and help the effects of the antidepressants. The side effect of this was massive. I was constantly wanting and needing to eat. I would have blood sugar drops and feel shaky and dizzy if I wasn't fed every two hours. I ate like a horse! Two breakfasts, two lunches, two dinners and snacks! And honestly, I could have eaten more but I refrained because I thought the quantity of food I was eating was, quite simple, ridiculous.
Needless to say, the doctor only kept me on those tablets for a couple of months. I'm now taking a different medication and the excessive need for food has stopped. I managed to put all of the weight on that dropped off me from previously not eating and I also put on another half a stone on top of that!
So now comes the time that I'm going to purposely and consciously regulate my eating habits again. It feels good. I'm eating healthily and there's something satisfying about controlling your food intake. For some reason I just feel better about myself when I'm monitoring my calorie consumption.
It's going well so far. I've lost 4lb in about a week and a half. I'll continue this until I drop down to a weight which is right for my frame. Currently I'm 11st, I'll aim to drop about one and a half stone to bring me down to 9st 7 ish.
I love having a specific target, a goal to aim for.
I'll keep you updated,
sr x
Friday 31 May 2013
Poisonous relationships
This is where things get a little more controversial. A little more personal. I will be careful how I word this post and what information I include.
This is an anonymous blog. Very few of my friends know that I am writing this, even most of those friends don't have the details to be able to search me out and read this blog. I can't say why, I don't think there is a massive reason. I suppose depression is a very personal thing. The beast that is depression is entirely your own animal. You can do with it what you will. Most people don't see it, can't see it. If they do see it, they don't have the capacity to get you through it. Part of it isolates you because people find that they don't know how to deal with you and the other part puts you on your own because it makes it harder for you to relate to other people. It works both ways.
I'm very lucky. I have a few people who I hold dearly. Even if I don't see them each week I am in regular and semi-regular contact through email, facebook, texts, phone calls and random cups of tea or offers to meet for lunch. Many of my friends have dropped off the radar. I suppose they would be more acquaintances.
These are not the relationships that I have in mind though. I'm thinking of those people that undermine you by suggesting that you are at fault somewhere for having depression. Maybe they will undermine things that you do. For example, I was struggling through cooking a roast dinner, of which I'm perfectly capable of achieving. Cooking for six, however, at this point was getting me in a slight muddle. This person took over and began to dish up the dinner for me and basically took over. I felt a little put out as over the meal, it was pointed out that most of the vegetables had been bought ready prepared and that she'd prepared the cabbage. Ok, granted, this is true, but it didn't need to be said to my guests.
I guess what I'm trying to point out is that some relationships are positive. They enhance you some how. They are healthy, thriving friendships. Other relationships may be more destructive. They have the ability to make you feel like a child, need to justify your actions and without you realising it can generally make you feel a little crummy.
This post is making me consider what the solution is to mend these relationships, to mould them into something that contributes to your life and enhances it, rather than sucking away your life energy.
How do you do this subtly without hurting anyone? Do you have to cut them out of your life. I dearly love the people around me and even these poisonous relationships are mostly positive, engaging and enjoyable. What do you do when the very people who are not good for you are your family members?
This needs more thought. I will try to steer any tricky conversations into more positive and light-hearted territories. Maybe these people need never know what I feel and that I am attempting to adapt our time together to something that makes me feel better about myself rather than worse.
I'd love to know your thoughts,
sr x
This is an anonymous blog. Very few of my friends know that I am writing this, even most of those friends don't have the details to be able to search me out and read this blog. I can't say why, I don't think there is a massive reason. I suppose depression is a very personal thing. The beast that is depression is entirely your own animal. You can do with it what you will. Most people don't see it, can't see it. If they do see it, they don't have the capacity to get you through it. Part of it isolates you because people find that they don't know how to deal with you and the other part puts you on your own because it makes it harder for you to relate to other people. It works both ways.
I'm very lucky. I have a few people who I hold dearly. Even if I don't see them each week I am in regular and semi-regular contact through email, facebook, texts, phone calls and random cups of tea or offers to meet for lunch. Many of my friends have dropped off the radar. I suppose they would be more acquaintances.
These are not the relationships that I have in mind though. I'm thinking of those people that undermine you by suggesting that you are at fault somewhere for having depression. Maybe they will undermine things that you do. For example, I was struggling through cooking a roast dinner, of which I'm perfectly capable of achieving. Cooking for six, however, at this point was getting me in a slight muddle. This person took over and began to dish up the dinner for me and basically took over. I felt a little put out as over the meal, it was pointed out that most of the vegetables had been bought ready prepared and that she'd prepared the cabbage. Ok, granted, this is true, but it didn't need to be said to my guests.
I guess what I'm trying to point out is that some relationships are positive. They enhance you some how. They are healthy, thriving friendships. Other relationships may be more destructive. They have the ability to make you feel like a child, need to justify your actions and without you realising it can generally make you feel a little crummy.
This post is making me consider what the solution is to mend these relationships, to mould them into something that contributes to your life and enhances it, rather than sucking away your life energy.
How do you do this subtly without hurting anyone? Do you have to cut them out of your life. I dearly love the people around me and even these poisonous relationships are mostly positive, engaging and enjoyable. What do you do when the very people who are not good for you are your family members?
This needs more thought. I will try to steer any tricky conversations into more positive and light-hearted territories. Maybe these people need never know what I feel and that I am attempting to adapt our time together to something that makes me feel better about myself rather than worse.
I'd love to know your thoughts,
sr x
Thursday 30 May 2013
Destructive behaviours
I need to give myself a target. I need to feel myself moving forward. This target will be beneficial for my health.
Destructive behaviours are exactly as labelled - destructive.
I know for certain that I partake in a number of habits which are not good for me, some maybe even bad for my health. It is this behaviour that I'd like to begin to shed. It will make me healthier and happier and definitely solve a few problems!
As a child, I used to pull my hair. I'd tie it in knots and when it was so tangled I'd pull the knots out. I'd either pull them until the chunk of hair came out from the scalp or I'd snap the hair just above the knot. My hair is still thin on the left hand side from this habit that persisted throughout my early years.
Next, I always used to chew the inside of my mouth. Gross. When it healed I'd end up with ulcers. Ouch! This habit did go away after a while. I'm not sure when. Maybe when I was about 13. It does, however, keep reoccurring. It's a habit that has regularly plagued me throughout my childhood and adult life. This is particularly bad at the moment.
Another, alcohol. My alcohol intake, recently, has risen to alarming proportions. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My intake has gone from roughly two glasses of wine a week to about 8 glasses of wine a week, maybe slightly more. Certainly not a good habit to be in.
The habit which I find the hardest to deal with is my habit of scratching my skin. I scratch spots, scabs, dry patches of skin, etc. Pretty much any imperfection on my skin I will try to scratch off. This leads to scabs, small scars and poor colouring on my skin. I do try to stop. I've managed to stop scratching my face which was a major cause of concern for me.
I just need to wonder whether this destructive behaviour coincides with depression or it's just a range of annoying habits that I have. I'm hoping that as my depression lifts, these behaviours will begin to ease. I'm hoping that through a great deal of grit and determination I can finally rid myself of these things. Clear skin, thick hair, no ulcers! Imagine that!
I will work extraordinarily hard on that for a week or so and will let you know the results! By writing this down I am now accountable for my actions. Let's hope it'll spur me on towards success.
Wish me luck,
sr x
Destructive behaviours are exactly as labelled - destructive.
I know for certain that I partake in a number of habits which are not good for me, some maybe even bad for my health. It is this behaviour that I'd like to begin to shed. It will make me healthier and happier and definitely solve a few problems!
As a child, I used to pull my hair. I'd tie it in knots and when it was so tangled I'd pull the knots out. I'd either pull them until the chunk of hair came out from the scalp or I'd snap the hair just above the knot. My hair is still thin on the left hand side from this habit that persisted throughout my early years.
Next, I always used to chew the inside of my mouth. Gross. When it healed I'd end up with ulcers. Ouch! This habit did go away after a while. I'm not sure when. Maybe when I was about 13. It does, however, keep reoccurring. It's a habit that has regularly plagued me throughout my childhood and adult life. This is particularly bad at the moment.
Another, alcohol. My alcohol intake, recently, has risen to alarming proportions. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My intake has gone from roughly two glasses of wine a week to about 8 glasses of wine a week, maybe slightly more. Certainly not a good habit to be in.
The habit which I find the hardest to deal with is my habit of scratching my skin. I scratch spots, scabs, dry patches of skin, etc. Pretty much any imperfection on my skin I will try to scratch off. This leads to scabs, small scars and poor colouring on my skin. I do try to stop. I've managed to stop scratching my face which was a major cause of concern for me.
I just need to wonder whether this destructive behaviour coincides with depression or it's just a range of annoying habits that I have. I'm hoping that as my depression lifts, these behaviours will begin to ease. I'm hoping that through a great deal of grit and determination I can finally rid myself of these things. Clear skin, thick hair, no ulcers! Imagine that!
I will work extraordinarily hard on that for a week or so and will let you know the results! By writing this down I am now accountable for my actions. Let's hope it'll spur me on towards success.
Wish me luck,
sr x
Wednesday 29 May 2013
CBT
Counselling was interesting. I still am not convinced that it's proving very useful, she didn't seem to pick up and take forward the things I said I wanted to discuss or explore.
I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.
So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.
CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative. I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.
My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel. This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.
I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.
The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT. I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant. We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.
sr x
I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.
So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.
CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative. I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.
My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel. This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.
I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.
The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT. I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant. We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.
sr x
Tuesday 28 May 2013
Who's fault is it anyway?
Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go. Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.
I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.
I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem. Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.
So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place. I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011. I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.
In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).
Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.
In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.
Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.
So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?
sr x
I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.
I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem. Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.
So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place. I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011. I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.
In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).
Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.
In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.
Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.
So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?
sr x
Monday 27 May 2013
The sun has got his hat on
It is such a beautiful day. What is it about beautiful days that automatically make you feel better? I know that vitamin D is the 'feel good' chemical and releases serotonin which in turn makes you feel good? Walking in beautiful sunshine, gorgeous blue sky just lifts all feeling of depression.
It's almost a case of 'what can possibly go wrong?' when it's a lovely day. This is deceptive though. Lots can go wrong. But not for me. Not today.
The shadow has lifted again. What a frustrating few days it's been. I didn't think this dark period would ever end. How long was it? 5 days? I'm not sure. It makes you wonder what's the point, will this end, how can I achieve this mammoth task of rebuilding my life?
Then all of a sudden, I'm out the other side. The shadow recedes. That's it. It's over again. For now.
Every time I move back into 'the light', back to 'being normal' I hope that the shadow will never return. I keep being told that I must hold the positive times to help me through the difficult periods.
Hopefully both literally and metaphorically the sun will keep his hat on! Literally, the lovely weather definitely helps matters. Metaphorically, if the sun is out the shadow won't take control, it'll only lurk.
Positive day, here's to more!
sr x
It's almost a case of 'what can possibly go wrong?' when it's a lovely day. This is deceptive though. Lots can go wrong. But not for me. Not today.
The shadow has lifted again. What a frustrating few days it's been. I didn't think this dark period would ever end. How long was it? 5 days? I'm not sure. It makes you wonder what's the point, will this end, how can I achieve this mammoth task of rebuilding my life?
Then all of a sudden, I'm out the other side. The shadow recedes. That's it. It's over again. For now.
Every time I move back into 'the light', back to 'being normal' I hope that the shadow will never return. I keep being told that I must hold the positive times to help me through the difficult periods.
Hopefully both literally and metaphorically the sun will keep his hat on! Literally, the lovely weather definitely helps matters. Metaphorically, if the sun is out the shadow won't take control, it'll only lurk.
Positive day, here's to more!
sr x
Sunday 26 May 2013
Well meaning advice
It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.
My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home.
They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.
The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart. What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'
What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'
I've heard the same advice over and over from different people. The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?
It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence. I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life. Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm. I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.
I'm cross. I'm ranting. I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!
Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)
sr x
My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home.
They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.
The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart. What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'
What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'
I've heard the same advice over and over from different people. The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?
It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence. I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life. Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm. I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.
I'm cross. I'm ranting. I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!
Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)
sr x
Friday 24 May 2013
A job's a job
Well here we are, it's the 24th of the month. The last day of the month will be my final day officially as a teacher. I haven't stepped foot in a classroom since the beginning of December but officially I'm still a teacher as currently I still have a contract with the school.
That is all about to change.
In some way I am resentful that this condition has robbed me of a job I love but in other ways I am pretty philosophical about it. I can always go back in to the job, or, this is a golden opportunity to persue another avenue.
I am able to anything that I set my mind to and that openended possibility, although daunting, is rather exciting.
I am going in on Saturday to clear out my classroom. It's rather final. A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I'm keen to see where this path is going to lead.
sr x
That is all about to change.
In some way I am resentful that this condition has robbed me of a job I love but in other ways I am pretty philosophical about it. I can always go back in to the job, or, this is a golden opportunity to persue another avenue.
I am able to anything that I set my mind to and that openended possibility, although daunting, is rather exciting.
I am going in on Saturday to clear out my classroom. It's rather final. A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I'm keen to see where this path is going to lead.
sr x
Thursday 23 May 2013
Shadow makes an appearance
That shadow that lurks.....it's on the back of my mind. It's like a rain cloud on the horizon. It's back.
This is my third day and I'm beginning to despair.
I need to be free of this shadow that hangs over me.
I'm struggling to write this. I keep zoning out. I keep wanting to stop. I simply want to curl up in bed.
Tomorrow will be better, hopefully this afternoon will be better. I have to keep telling myself this. I have to work hard to keep up the desire to fight.
Sometimes it just feels too much effort. Today is one of those days.
I get angry and frustrated with myself. Why is this happening to me?
The doctor reminds me that some people can get depression due to genetic reasons. I like my life. I am happy with the direction things are going. I wouldn't change anything. So what is it that has made me feel so empty and low?
The easy answer would be to change the things you don't like for things that you do like. But honestly and genuinely I would change nothing.
Tomorrow, I promise, will be better.
sr
This is my third day and I'm beginning to despair.
I need to be free of this shadow that hangs over me.
I'm struggling to write this. I keep zoning out. I keep wanting to stop. I simply want to curl up in bed.
Tomorrow will be better, hopefully this afternoon will be better. I have to keep telling myself this. I have to work hard to keep up the desire to fight.
Sometimes it just feels too much effort. Today is one of those days.
I get angry and frustrated with myself. Why is this happening to me?
The doctor reminds me that some people can get depression due to genetic reasons. I like my life. I am happy with the direction things are going. I wouldn't change anything. So what is it that has made me feel so empty and low?
The easy answer would be to change the things you don't like for things that you do like. But honestly and genuinely I would change nothing.
Tomorrow, I promise, will be better.
sr
Wednesday 22 May 2013
Counselling uncovers issues
I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.
Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.
All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.
My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable. On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!
I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.
I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.
Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.
Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!
sr x
Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.
All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.
My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable. On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!
I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.
I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.
Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.
Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!
sr x
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Thinking things through
The whole time I've been ill I keep being told that I'm not yet ready for counselling and that all I need to do for the time being is get active and take my medication.
Today is now the day that I will begin my counselling. I've had an assessment through occupational health and employee support line. I have been given the maximum number of sessions on offer; four face-to-face sessions.
It feels strange to thing that at 2pm today I will have to bare my soul. Begin to discuss the origins of my depression and start considering what it is about me that has given me this illness. I have a feeling that it is going to be hard. The challenge will be having to open up about myself and start thinking about things in more detail.
I don't feel that I have a negative frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that I have an optimistic outlook and a postive disposition. I guess we'll soon see!
sr x
Today is now the day that I will begin my counselling. I've had an assessment through occupational health and employee support line. I have been given the maximum number of sessions on offer; four face-to-face sessions.
It feels strange to thing that at 2pm today I will have to bare my soul. Begin to discuss the origins of my depression and start considering what it is about me that has given me this illness. I have a feeling that it is going to be hard. The challenge will be having to open up about myself and start thinking about things in more detail.
I don't feel that I have a negative frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that I have an optimistic outlook and a postive disposition. I guess we'll soon see!
sr x
Monday 20 May 2013
The joy of pets
I've been thinking about this for a little while. I was signed off work early December and on 30th December we took a drive to a farm to choose a puppy.
I spent the previous day trawling the internet for adverts for puppies for sale. I duly booked 5 appointments to look at a range of golden, chocolate and black labrador puppies. Having done that in the morning, I took one more quick look in the afternoon and up popped a little of collie x shepherd puppies. I rang and booked an appointment there and then.
Travelling to the first place, I knew that we wouldn't be taking a puppy home that day and that there were lots of things to consider before taking on such a huge responsibility. We had previously discussed getting a puppy and knew we would eventually, it was just a the question about whether the timing was right that we had to settle.
The first place we visited was a working farm. Each time the farmer needed a new working dog he bred a litter and kept the last puppy to stay on the farm. I fell in love with them straight away. The choice was simple. One dog, after playing and fussing, sat by us and just wouldn't move. We had to take him there and then. We met the mum and dad, aunties, uncles, nan etc. His whole family was on the farm!
Anyway, let's fast forward a little. We were blessed with the most adorable looking puppy.
Slowly but surely we've worked through the initial stages of training a puppy. I am now doubly blessed with a caring, loyal, (mostly) obedient and beautiful 7 month old puppy. He seems to have this uncanny understanding of my illness. He knows when I'm having a bad day and will either leave me be or give me lots of cuddles. He gets me out and about. There is some sort of secret club of dog owners. When you have a dog so many people talk to you!
I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be at this stage of my recovery if it wasn't for him. I'm always being told that exercise helps. I definately get that. He has given me focus, motivation to get up at 7 each morning and a reason to carry on.
The times that he's reduced me to tears seem to pale in significance now. I know he was awful at times. My illness made coping so much more difficult.
But here we are. I have no regrets. He's pushed me forward and for that I am eternally grateful. I will treasure him and give him the best life I possibly can. The bond we have is immense. Right now he is sat at my feet; he is my shadow. In time, he will replace the black, lurking shadow that is my depression.
sr x
I spent the previous day trawling the internet for adverts for puppies for sale. I duly booked 5 appointments to look at a range of golden, chocolate and black labrador puppies. Having done that in the morning, I took one more quick look in the afternoon and up popped a little of collie x shepherd puppies. I rang and booked an appointment there and then.
Travelling to the first place, I knew that we wouldn't be taking a puppy home that day and that there were lots of things to consider before taking on such a huge responsibility. We had previously discussed getting a puppy and knew we would eventually, it was just a the question about whether the timing was right that we had to settle.
The first place we visited was a working farm. Each time the farmer needed a new working dog he bred a litter and kept the last puppy to stay on the farm. I fell in love with them straight away. The choice was simple. One dog, after playing and fussing, sat by us and just wouldn't move. We had to take him there and then. We met the mum and dad, aunties, uncles, nan etc. His whole family was on the farm!
Anyway, let's fast forward a little. We were blessed with the most adorable looking puppy.
I can't quite decide how much he has helped or hindered my recovery. Each day it was just me and him. At times it was massively overwhelming. He needed to be supervised constantly and house trained. There were days when I was in floods of tears because I just didn't think he'd be housetrained or yet again he'd pulled the curtains, bitten the sofa, upset the birds and jumped up at the fish tank.Slowly but surely we've worked through the initial stages of training a puppy. I am now doubly blessed with a caring, loyal, (mostly) obedient and beautiful 7 month old puppy. He seems to have this uncanny understanding of my illness. He knows when I'm having a bad day and will either leave me be or give me lots of cuddles. He gets me out and about. There is some sort of secret club of dog owners. When you have a dog so many people talk to you!
I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be at this stage of my recovery if it wasn't for him. I'm always being told that exercise helps. I definately get that. He has given me focus, motivation to get up at 7 each morning and a reason to carry on.
The times that he's reduced me to tears seem to pale in significance now. I know he was awful at times. My illness made coping so much more difficult.
But here we are. I have no regrets. He's pushed me forward and for that I am eternally grateful. I will treasure him and give him the best life I possibly can. The bond we have is immense. Right now he is sat at my feet; he is my shadow. In time, he will replace the black, lurking shadow that is my depression.
sr x
Sunday 19 May 2013
Ill to not ill, the transformation
When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while. All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!
My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.
So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends. Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.
Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work. I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.
I think that might take a little longer!
Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs. Easier said than done.
sr x
My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.
So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends. Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.
Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work. I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.
I think that might take a little longer!
Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs. Easier said than done.
sr x
Saturday 18 May 2013
Musings about medication
When I was first signed off I thought I'd take a couple of weeks off work and go back in January feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. That day in January never came. It's now May!
I was loathe to use medication to treat myself. It took a considerable amount of persuasion from the doctor to convince me to start taking it. He argued that I was ill due to a chemical imbalance and that I needed to fix it using what he prescribes.
I've taken a various assortment of tablets with varying doses. Finally I'm on tablets which I consider are the 'right' medication. Despite this, I do still wonder whether I want or need to take them.
I'm not keen on taking these tablets. I wonder whether there are other solutions to get better. I'm always being told that exercise helps as well as a good diet. Homoeopathic remedies are also popular but when asking the doctor he said that if they were more effective, that's what he'd prescribe.
I guess there's no answer to these questions. As long as I get better it shouldn't matter, right? Surely since the condition is so prevalent in today's society a reasonable assumption would be that anti-depressants aren't fixing the problem. Maybe they're a sticking plaster to counter-act the tremendous pressure modern day living puts on our bodies and minds.
I am (was) a teacher. The lifestyle was pretty hectic. I'd regularly work 12 hour days, including weekends, and some children would plague my thoughts in the evening and throughout the night. I don't need to go in to the ins and outs of being a teacher but almost certainly the job was a massive contribution towards my depression. Medication doesn't change the job. So why take medication to help myself to do an unsuitable job?!
sr x
I was loathe to use medication to treat myself. It took a considerable amount of persuasion from the doctor to convince me to start taking it. He argued that I was ill due to a chemical imbalance and that I needed to fix it using what he prescribes.
I've taken a various assortment of tablets with varying doses. Finally I'm on tablets which I consider are the 'right' medication. Despite this, I do still wonder whether I want or need to take them.
I'm not keen on taking these tablets. I wonder whether there are other solutions to get better. I'm always being told that exercise helps as well as a good diet. Homoeopathic remedies are also popular but when asking the doctor he said that if they were more effective, that's what he'd prescribe.
I guess there's no answer to these questions. As long as I get better it shouldn't matter, right? Surely since the condition is so prevalent in today's society a reasonable assumption would be that anti-depressants aren't fixing the problem. Maybe they're a sticking plaster to counter-act the tremendous pressure modern day living puts on our bodies and minds.
I am (was) a teacher. The lifestyle was pretty hectic. I'd regularly work 12 hour days, including weekends, and some children would plague my thoughts in the evening and throughout the night. I don't need to go in to the ins and outs of being a teacher but almost certainly the job was a massive contribution towards my depression. Medication doesn't change the job. So why take medication to help myself to do an unsuitable job?!
sr x
Friday 17 May 2013
Making a plan of action
I feel proud. I've done well. Six months in to recovery and I'm now ready to take the next step forward.
I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.
It's odd.
Anyway....
Now it's time to get back to normal.
The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing. He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.
Here's the plan that we've hashed out.
1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.
It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.
This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more. This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.
I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!
Now let's just see how it goes!
sr x
I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.
It's odd.
Anyway....
Now it's time to get back to normal.
The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing. He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.
Here's the plan that we've hashed out.
1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.
It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.
This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more. This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.
I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!
Now let's just see how it goes!
sr x
Thursday 16 May 2013
Picking up the pieces
For the first couple of weeks I was ill, I stayed at home. I wasn't quite wallowing in self-pity but I can't really identify what I was doing. I wasn't eating and certainly wasn't sleeping. I wasn't watching TV, playing computer games or doing housework. I don't think I was really doing anything.
I'd target myself to do a little something each day. Even at that point, though, emptying the dishwasher felt harder than climbing Mount Everest. The most simple of tasks felt so massively overwhelming and through sheer stubborness I would manage to get dressed and showered.
It got to the point where my partner, who I've lived with for 3 years, rang my mum and basically told her to come and get me. He told her that I couldn't be left on my own and needed more care than he was able to give me. He knew that by being out at work from 6.30 am until 8.00pm at night (including commute) he was unable to make sure I was ok.
I feel sad that it got to the point that he felt I needed supervision. What he must have thought. The worry he must have gone through.
I can't dwell on this though. It's not productive. I spent a couple of weeks at my mum's, basically the two weeks leading up to Christmas. My step-dad is retired and he basically told me when to eat, drink and shower. I could do what I was told but apart from that I would simply would sit in a daze.
Fast-forward six months and I'm beginning to pull myself together. I'm picking up the tatters and am feeling optimistic about the future. I no longer class myself as 'ill' and am definately feeling more myself.
This morning I moved all of our kitchen items from the living room back in to the kitchen. I've managed to cope with the upheaval of workmen refitting the kitchen. We had planned for me to stay with mum during the work but through some inner strength, lots of stubbornness anxd plenty of support from friends and family, I was able to stay home and 'supervise' the majority of the work.
I've gone from not even being able to empty the dishwasher to sorting out the entire contents of my kitchen cupboards.
I'm proud.
The effort has, so far, been worth it.
And it has been a lot of effort to get this far! I'll keep working hard and who knows where I'll be in six months time!
sr x
I'd target myself to do a little something each day. Even at that point, though, emptying the dishwasher felt harder than climbing Mount Everest. The most simple of tasks felt so massively overwhelming and through sheer stubborness I would manage to get dressed and showered.
It got to the point where my partner, who I've lived with for 3 years, rang my mum and basically told her to come and get me. He told her that I couldn't be left on my own and needed more care than he was able to give me. He knew that by being out at work from 6.30 am until 8.00pm at night (including commute) he was unable to make sure I was ok.
I feel sad that it got to the point that he felt I needed supervision. What he must have thought. The worry he must have gone through.
I can't dwell on this though. It's not productive. I spent a couple of weeks at my mum's, basically the two weeks leading up to Christmas. My step-dad is retired and he basically told me when to eat, drink and shower. I could do what I was told but apart from that I would simply would sit in a daze.
Fast-forward six months and I'm beginning to pull myself together. I'm picking up the tatters and am feeling optimistic about the future. I no longer class myself as 'ill' and am definately feeling more myself.
This morning I moved all of our kitchen items from the living room back in to the kitchen. I've managed to cope with the upheaval of workmen refitting the kitchen. We had planned for me to stay with mum during the work but through some inner strength, lots of stubbornness anxd plenty of support from friends and family, I was able to stay home and 'supervise' the majority of the work.
I've gone from not even being able to empty the dishwasher to sorting out the entire contents of my kitchen cupboards.
I'm proud.
The effort has, so far, been worth it.
And it has been a lot of effort to get this far! I'll keep working hard and who knows where I'll be in six months time!
sr x
Wednesday 15 May 2013
Slow going
I guess it's about time to start filling you in about my story.
I was signed off work in December after getting to a point where I said to a friend 'I just can't do it any more'. He drove me straight to the doctors as soon as I said that. His actions right then, I believe, are the single reason why I ended up asking for help and realising there was a problem.
I think the standard cliche applies; 'things like this never happen to people like me'.
I've thought it, said it, felt it. I still feel an element of failure for having to give up my career but I am beginning to realise that I am not to blame.
I didn't manage to see the doctor that Monday but had a phone call from the duty doctor about an hour after I turned up in the doctor's waiting room. The doctor asked a few questions; how am I eating, sleeping, feeling etc. He told me to take the rest of the week off to get some rest and come in to see him at the end of the week.
The relief was immense. At the time though, I still didn't realise or acknowledge how ill I truely was.
Looking back, it is so obvious that I was at breaking point and really, truely unwell. How did no-one see it? I do hope I'd be able to identify it if I ever relapse again.
And now, nearly six months on, I'm completely different. So much stronger, more alert. I'm both eating and sleeping and am now beginning to feel more like myself. It's been a long journey. I'm still fragile. The slightest hint of something unexpected sends me in to a spiral. The illness is forever snapping at my heels, waiting to drag me down, engulf me, at the slightest hiccup. Only a few weeks ago I was inconsolable because I went to the supermarket to buy pasties and they didn't have any!
This shadow lurks constantly. I will learn to box it up, hide it away. But will this shadow ever cease to exist within me?
sr x
I was signed off work in December after getting to a point where I said to a friend 'I just can't do it any more'. He drove me straight to the doctors as soon as I said that. His actions right then, I believe, are the single reason why I ended up asking for help and realising there was a problem.
I think the standard cliche applies; 'things like this never happen to people like me'.
I've thought it, said it, felt it. I still feel an element of failure for having to give up my career but I am beginning to realise that I am not to blame.
I didn't manage to see the doctor that Monday but had a phone call from the duty doctor about an hour after I turned up in the doctor's waiting room. The doctor asked a few questions; how am I eating, sleeping, feeling etc. He told me to take the rest of the week off to get some rest and come in to see him at the end of the week.
The relief was immense. At the time though, I still didn't realise or acknowledge how ill I truely was.
Looking back, it is so obvious that I was at breaking point and really, truely unwell. How did no-one see it? I do hope I'd be able to identify it if I ever relapse again.
And now, nearly six months on, I'm completely different. So much stronger, more alert. I'm both eating and sleeping and am now beginning to feel more like myself. It's been a long journey. I'm still fragile. The slightest hint of something unexpected sends me in to a spiral. The illness is forever snapping at my heels, waiting to drag me down, engulf me, at the slightest hiccup. Only a few weeks ago I was inconsolable because I went to the supermarket to buy pasties and they didn't have any!
This shadow lurks constantly. I will learn to box it up, hide it away. But will this shadow ever cease to exist within me?
sr x
Tuesday 14 May 2013
Caffeine boost and sugar boost!
I've never had much of a sweet tooth before. Pudding has always been something I can happily leave in favour of having a starter! I'll always choose a bag of crisps over a pack of sweets and I have memories of my mum, in October, saying to me; "Can I have your Easter Egg? I need space for the Christmas sweets."
This past six months couldn't be more different. I constantly crave sweets, specifically sour skittles! I need coffee, I constantly think about chocolate and often find myself rummaging in the cupboards for something, ANYTHING sweet.
Having tapped a quick search in to google 'depression sugar', hundreds of sites pop up linking sugar and depression. Sugar, and surely caffiene, give you a boost. Your blood-sugar will peak and it will satisfy that craving. But what comes up must come down. I'm pretty sure that I don't feel miserable or 'depressed' when I go through my sugar crash but my body obviously wants more of it.
What a dangerous cycle to be trapped in. What to do though? My body wants chemicals, carbs and everything that won't help. Thus far I've given in to the cravings thinking that if my body wants it then I should allow my body to have it.
Flawed logic? Probably!
So now, armed with one and a half cups of coffee...I've nearly finished my second, I will make this pledge. I will BEGIN to eat fresher, better. I will put more thought in to the 'bad stuff' I'm putting in to my body. I intend to get back to how I ate before I became ill.
Fresh food was always my thing. I used to crave veggies, eat an apple for morning snack and would eat chips maybe once a week.
I owe it to myself to give my body a fighting chance to recover. I can only recover if I give my body the good quality fuel it needs.
Wish me luck! Let's do this!!
sr x
This past six months couldn't be more different. I constantly crave sweets, specifically sour skittles! I need coffee, I constantly think about chocolate and often find myself rummaging in the cupboards for something, ANYTHING sweet.
Having tapped a quick search in to google 'depression sugar', hundreds of sites pop up linking sugar and depression. Sugar, and surely caffiene, give you a boost. Your blood-sugar will peak and it will satisfy that craving. But what comes up must come down. I'm pretty sure that I don't feel miserable or 'depressed' when I go through my sugar crash but my body obviously wants more of it.
What a dangerous cycle to be trapped in. What to do though? My body wants chemicals, carbs and everything that won't help. Thus far I've given in to the cravings thinking that if my body wants it then I should allow my body to have it.
Flawed logic? Probably!
So now, armed with one and a half cups of coffee...I've nearly finished my second, I will make this pledge. I will BEGIN to eat fresher, better. I will put more thought in to the 'bad stuff' I'm putting in to my body. I intend to get back to how I ate before I became ill.
Fresh food was always my thing. I used to crave veggies, eat an apple for morning snack and would eat chips maybe once a week.
I owe it to myself to give my body a fighting chance to recover. I can only recover if I give my body the good quality fuel it needs.
Wish me luck! Let's do this!!
sr x
Monday 13 May 2013
The third chapter....
Ok, so here goes. I'm going to take the plunge!
This is my first blog post and I'll explain further on why I consider this to be the 'third chapter.'
The intention of this blog is to explore my condition, consider the impact, document my recovery, hopefully enlighten others, etc, etc...
The condition? Clinical depression.
It sucks.
It's been a long journey so far and it's currently been six months since I was first diagnosed. The first step was complete break down. The second chapter; survival. And now? The third chapter...
This is my biggest success. I'm now beginning to pull myself together!
Those of you who have suffered from depression will realise that getting to this stage is no mean feat. In fact, it's been bloody hard work to get this far!!
I've thought a few times before that writing a blog about my journey would be a good idea. Productive, even. It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast. I think the last time I attempted this was in February, I didn't even get as far as signing up for an account!!
This, hopefully, will be it. I need to start thinking about the causes, the consequences and the impact on my life, my family and my friends.
I do hope this blog will eventually help others, I hope it'll help me. This is my journey, let's see how it goes!
sr
x
This is my first blog post and I'll explain further on why I consider this to be the 'third chapter.'
The intention of this blog is to explore my condition, consider the impact, document my recovery, hopefully enlighten others, etc, etc...
The condition? Clinical depression.
It sucks.
It's been a long journey so far and it's currently been six months since I was first diagnosed. The first step was complete break down. The second chapter; survival. And now? The third chapter...
This is my biggest success. I'm now beginning to pull myself together!
Those of you who have suffered from depression will realise that getting to this stage is no mean feat. In fact, it's been bloody hard work to get this far!!
I've thought a few times before that writing a blog about my journey would be a good idea. Productive, even. It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast. I think the last time I attempted this was in February, I didn't even get as far as signing up for an account!!
This, hopefully, will be it. I need to start thinking about the causes, the consequences and the impact on my life, my family and my friends.
I do hope this blog will eventually help others, I hope it'll help me. This is my journey, let's see how it goes!
sr
x
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