Poisonous relationships

This is where things get a little more controversial.  A little more personal.  I will be careful how I word this post and what information I include.

This is an anonymous blog.  Very few of my friends know that I am writing this, even most of those friends don't have the details to be able to search me out and read this blog.  I can't say why, I don't think there is a massive reason.  I suppose depression is a very personal thing.  The beast that is depression is entirely your own animal.  You can do with it what you will.  Most people don't see it, can't see it.  If they do see it, they don't have the capacity to get you through it.  Part of it isolates you because people find that they don't know how to deal with you and the other part puts you on your own because it makes it harder for you to relate to other people.  It works both ways.

I'm very lucky.  I have a few people who I hold dearly.  Even if I don't see them each week I am in regular and semi-regular contact through email, facebook, texts, phone calls and random cups of tea or offers to meet for lunch.  Many of my friends have dropped off the radar.  I suppose they would be more acquaintances.

These are not the relationships that I have in mind though.  I'm thinking of those people that undermine you by suggesting that you are at fault somewhere for having depression.  Maybe they will undermine things that you do.  For example, I was struggling through cooking a roast dinner, of which I'm perfectly capable of achieving.  Cooking for six, however, at this point was getting me in a slight muddle.  This person took over and began to dish up the dinner for me and basically took over.  I felt a little put out as over the meal, it was pointed out that most of the vegetables had been bought ready prepared and that she'd prepared the cabbage.  Ok, granted, this is true, but it didn't need to be said to my guests.

I guess what I'm trying to point out is that some relationships are positive. They enhance you some how.  They are healthy, thriving friendships.  Other relationships may be more destructive.  They have the ability to make you feel like a child, need to justify your actions and without you realising it can generally make you feel a little crummy. 

This post is making me consider what the solution is to mend these relationships, to mould them into something that contributes to your life and enhances it, rather than sucking away your life energy.

How do you do this subtly without hurting anyone? Do you have to cut them out of your life.  I dearly love the people around me and even these poisonous relationships are mostly positive, engaging and enjoyable.  What do you do when the very people who are not good for you are your family members?

This needs more thought.  I will try to steer any tricky conversations into more positive and light-hearted territories.  Maybe these people need never know what I feel and that I am attempting to adapt our time together to something that makes me feel better about myself rather than worse.

I'd love to know your thoughts,

sr x

Destructive behaviours

I need to give myself a target. I need to feel myself moving forward. This target will be beneficial for my health.

Destructive behaviours are exactly as labelled - destructive.

I know for certain that I partake in a number of habits which are not good for me, some maybe even bad for my health.  It is this behaviour that I'd like to begin to shed.  It will make me healthier and happier and definitely solve a few problems!

As a child, I used to pull my hair. I'd tie it in knots and when it was so tangled I'd pull the knots out. I'd either pull them until the chunk of hair came out from the scalp or I'd snap the hair just above the knot.  My hair is still thin on the left hand side from this habit that persisted throughout my early years.

Next, I always used to chew the inside of my mouth. Gross. When it healed I'd end up with ulcers. Ouch! This habit did go away after a while. I'm not sure when.  Maybe when I was about 13. It does, however, keep reoccurring. It's a habit that has regularly plagued me throughout my childhood and adult life.  This is particularly bad at the moment.

Another, alcohol.  My alcohol intake, recently, has risen to alarming proportions. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My intake has gone from roughly two glasses of wine a week to about 8 glasses of wine a week, maybe slightly more. Certainly not a good habit to be in.

The habit which I find the hardest to deal with is my habit of scratching my skin. I scratch spots, scabs, dry patches of skin, etc. Pretty much any imperfection on my skin I will try to scratch off.  This leads to scabs, small scars and poor colouring on my skin.  I do try to stop.  I've managed to stop scratching my face which was a major cause of concern for me.

I just need to wonder whether this destructive behaviour coincides with depression or it's just a range of annoying habits that I have. I'm hoping that as my depression lifts, these behaviours will begin to ease. I'm hoping that through a great deal of grit and determination I can finally rid myself of these things. Clear skin, thick hair, no ulcers! Imagine that!

I will work extraordinarily hard on that for a week or so and will let you know the results! By writing this down I am now accountable for my actions.  Let's hope it'll spur me on towards success.

Wish me luck,

sr x

CBT

Counselling was interesting.  I still am not convinced that it's proving very useful, she didn't seem to pick up and take forward the things I said I wanted to discuss or explore.

I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.

So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative.  I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.

My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel.  This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.

I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.

The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT.  I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant.  We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.

sr x

Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x

The sun has got his hat on

It is such a beautiful day. What is it about beautiful days that automatically make you feel better? I know that vitamin D is the 'feel good' chemical and releases serotonin which in turn makes you feel good? Walking in beautiful sunshine, gorgeous blue sky just lifts all feeling of depression.

It's almost a case of 'what can possibly go wrong?' when it's a lovely day. This is deceptive though. Lots can go wrong. But not for me. Not today.

The shadow has lifted again. What a frustrating few days it's been. I didn't think this dark period would ever end. How long was it? 5 days? I'm not sure. It makes you wonder what's the point, will this end, how can I achieve this mammoth task of rebuilding my life?

Then all of a sudden, I'm out the other side. The shadow recedes. That's it. It's over again. For now.

Every time I move back into 'the light', back to 'being normal' I hope that the shadow will never return. I keep being told that I must hold the positive times to help me through the difficult periods.

Hopefully both literally and metaphorically the sun will keep his hat on! Literally, the lovely weather definitely helps matters. Metaphorically, if the sun is out the shadow won't take control, it'll only lurk.

Positive day, here's to more!

sr x

Well meaning advice

It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.

My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home. 

They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.

The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart.  What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'

What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'

I've heard the same advice over and over from different people.  The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?

It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence.  I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life.  Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm.  I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.

I'm cross. I'm ranting.  I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!

Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)

sr x

A job's a job

Well here we are, it's the 24th of the month. The last day of the month will be my final day officially as a teacher.  I haven't stepped foot in a classroom since the beginning of December but officially I'm still a teacher as currently I still have a contract with the school.

That is all about to change.

In some way I am resentful that this condition has robbed me of a job I love but in other ways I am pretty philosophical about it. I can always go back in to the job, or, this is a golden opportunity to persue another avenue.

I am able to anything that I set my mind to and that openended possibility, although daunting, is rather exciting.

I am going in on Saturday to clear out my classroom. It's rather final. A new chapter in my life is about to begin and I'm keen to see where this path is going to lead.

sr x

Shadow makes an appearance

That shadow that lurks.....it's on the back of my mind. It's like a rain cloud on the horizon. It's back.

This is my third day and I'm beginning to despair.

I need to be free of this shadow that hangs over me.

I'm struggling to write this. I keep zoning out. I keep wanting to stop. I simply want to curl up in bed.

Tomorrow will be better, hopefully this afternoon will be better.  I have to keep telling myself this. I have to work hard to keep up the desire to fight.

Sometimes it just feels too much effort. Today is one of those days.

I get angry and frustrated with myself. Why is this happening to me?

The doctor reminds me that some people can get depression due to genetic reasons. I like my life. I am happy with the direction things are going. I wouldn't change anything. So what is it that has made me feel so empty and low?

The easy answer would be to change the things you don't like for things that you do like. But honestly and genuinely I would change nothing.

Tomorrow, I promise, will be better.

sr

Counselling uncovers issues

I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.

Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.

All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.

My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable.  On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!

I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.

I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.

Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.

Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!

sr x

Thinking things through

The whole time I've been ill I keep being told that I'm not yet ready for counselling and that all I need to do for the time being is get active and take my medication.

Today is now the day that I will begin my counselling.  I've had an assessment through occupational health and employee support line. I have been given the maximum number of sessions on offer; four face-to-face sessions.

It feels strange to thing that at 2pm today I will have to bare my soul. Begin to discuss the origins of my depression and start considering what it is about me that has given me this illness.  I have a feeling that it is going to be hard. The challenge will be having to open up about myself and start thinking about things in more detail.

I don't feel that I  have a negative frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that I have an optimistic outlook and a postive disposition. I guess we'll soon see!

sr x

The joy of pets

I've been thinking about this for a little while. I was signed off work early December and on 30th December we took a drive to a farm to choose a puppy.

I spent the previous day trawling the internet for adverts for puppies for sale. I duly booked 5 appointments to look at a range of golden, chocolate and black labrador puppies. Having done that in the morning, I took one more quick look in the afternoon and up popped a little of collie x shepherd puppies. I rang and booked an appointment there and then.

Travelling to the first place, I knew that we wouldn't be taking a puppy home that day and that there were lots of things to consider before taking on such a huge responsibility. We had previously discussed getting a puppy and knew we would eventually, it was just a the question about whether the timing was right that we had to settle.

The first place we visited was a working farm. Each time the farmer needed a new working dog he bred a litter and kept the last puppy to stay on the farm.  I fell in love with them straight away. The choice was simple. One dog, after playing and fussing, sat by us and just wouldn't move. We had to take him there and then. We met the mum and dad, aunties, uncles, nan etc. His whole family was on the farm!

Anyway, let's fast forward a little. We were blessed with the most adorable looking puppy.

 



I can't quite decide how much he has helped or hindered my recovery. Each day it was just me and him. At times it was massively overwhelming. He needed to be supervised constantly and house trained.  There were days when I was in floods of tears because I just didn't think he'd be housetrained or yet again he'd pulled the curtains, bitten the sofa, upset the birds and jumped up at the fish tank.

Slowly but surely we've worked through the initial stages of training a puppy. I am now doubly blessed with a caring, loyal, (mostly) obedient and beautiful 7 month old puppy. He seems to have this uncanny understanding of my illness. He knows when I'm having a bad day and will either leave me be or give me lots of cuddles. He gets me out and about. There is some sort of secret club of dog owners. When you have a dog so many people talk to you!

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be at this stage of my recovery if it wasn't for him. I'm always being told that exercise helps. I definately get that. He has given me focus, motivation to get up at 7 each morning and a reason to carry on.

The times that he's reduced me to tears seem to pale in significance now. I know he was awful at times. My illness made coping so much more difficult.

But here we are. I have no regrets. He's pushed me forward and for that I am eternally grateful. I will treasure him and give him the best life I possibly can. The bond we have is immense. Right now he is sat at my feet; he is my shadow. In time, he will replace the black, lurking shadow that is my depression.

sr x

Ill to not ill, the transformation

When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while.  All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!

My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.

So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends.  Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.

Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work.  I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.

I think that might take a little longer!

Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs.  Easier said than done.

sr x

Musings about medication

When I was first signed off I thought I'd take a couple of weeks off work and go back in January feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. That day in January never came. It's now May!

I was loathe to use medication to treat myself. It took a considerable amount of persuasion from the doctor to convince me to start taking it. He argued that I was ill due to a chemical imbalance and that I needed to fix it using what he prescribes.

I've taken a various assortment of tablets with varying doses. Finally I'm on tablets which I consider are the 'right' medication. Despite this, I do still wonder whether I want or need to take them.

I'm not keen on taking these tablets. I wonder whether there are other solutions to get better. I'm always being told that exercise helps as well as a good diet. Homoeopathic remedies are also popular but when asking the doctor he said that if they were more effective, that's what he'd prescribe.

I guess there's no answer to these questions. As long as I get better it shouldn't matter, right? Surely since the condition is so prevalent in today's society a reasonable assumption would be that anti-depressants aren't fixing the problem.  Maybe they're a sticking plaster to counter-act the tremendous pressure modern day living puts on our bodies and minds.

I am (was) a teacher. The lifestyle was pretty hectic. I'd regularly work 12 hour days, including weekends, and some children would plague my thoughts in the evening and throughout the night.  I don't need to go in to the ins and outs of being a teacher but almost certainly the job was a massive contribution towards my depression. Medication doesn't change the job. So why take medication to help myself to do an unsuitable job?!

sr x

Making a plan of action

I feel proud. I've done well. Six months in to recovery and I'm now ready to take the next step forward.

I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.

It's odd.

Anyway....

Now it's time to get back to normal.

The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing.  He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.

Here's the plan that we've hashed out.

1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.

It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.

This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more.  This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.

I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!

Now let's just see how it goes!

sr x

Picking up the pieces

For the first couple of weeks I was ill, I stayed at home. I wasn't quite wallowing in self-pity but I can't really identify what I was doing. I wasn't eating and certainly wasn't sleeping. I wasn't watching TV, playing computer games or doing housework. I don't think I was really doing anything.

I'd target myself to do a little something each day. Even at that point, though, emptying the dishwasher felt harder than climbing Mount Everest. The most simple of tasks felt so massively overwhelming and through sheer stubborness I would manage to get dressed and showered.

It got to the point where my partner, who I've lived with for 3 years, rang my mum and basically told her to come and get me. He told her that I couldn't be left on my own and needed more care than he was able to give me.  He knew that by being out at work from 6.30 am until 8.00pm at night (including commute) he was unable to make sure I was ok.

I feel sad that it got to the point that he felt I needed supervision. What he must have thought. The worry he must have gone through.

I can't dwell on this though. It's not productive. I spent a couple of weeks at my mum's, basically the two weeks leading up to Christmas. My step-dad is retired and he basically told me when to eat, drink and shower. I could do what I was told but apart from that I would simply would sit in a daze.

Fast-forward six months and I'm beginning to pull myself together. I'm picking up the tatters and am feeling optimistic about the future. I no longer class myself as 'ill' and am definately feeling more myself.

This morning I moved all of our kitchen items from the living room back in to the kitchen. I've managed to cope with the upheaval of workmen refitting the kitchen.  We had planned for me to stay with mum during the work but through some inner strength, lots of stubbornness anxd plenty of support from friends and family, I was able to stay home and 'supervise' the majority of the work.

I've gone from not even being able to empty the dishwasher to sorting out the entire contents of my kitchen cupboards.

I'm proud.

The effort has, so far, been worth it.

And it has been a lot of effort to get this far! I'll keep working hard and who knows where I'll be in six months time!

sr x

Slow going

I guess it's about time to start filling you in about my story.

I was signed off work in December after getting to a point where I said to a friend 'I just can't do it any more'. He drove me straight to the doctors as soon as I said that.  His actions right then, I believe, are the single reason why I ended up asking for help and realising there was a problem.

I think the standard cliche applies; 'things like this never happen to people like me'.

I've thought it, said it, felt it. I still feel an element of failure for having to give up my career but I am beginning to realise that I am not to blame.

I didn't manage to see the doctor that Monday but had a phone call from the duty doctor about an hour after I turned up in the doctor's waiting room. The doctor asked a few questions; how am I eating, sleeping, feeling etc. He told me to take the rest of the week off to get some rest and come in to see him at the end of the week.

The relief was immense. At the time though, I still didn't realise or acknowledge how ill I truely was.

Looking back, it is so obvious that I was at breaking point and really, truely unwell. How did no-one see it?  I do hope I'd be able to identify it if I ever relapse again.

And now, nearly six months on, I'm completely different. So much stronger, more alert.  I'm both eating and sleeping and am now beginning to feel more like myself. It's been a long journey. I'm still fragile. The slightest hint of something unexpected sends me in to a spiral. The illness is forever snapping at my heels, waiting to drag me down, engulf me, at the slightest hiccup.   Only a few weeks ago I was inconsolable because I went to the supermarket to buy pasties and they didn't have any!

This shadow lurks constantly. I will learn to box it up, hide it away. But will this shadow ever cease to exist within me?

sr x

Caffeine boost and sugar boost!

I've never had much of a sweet tooth before. Pudding has always been something I can happily leave in favour of having a starter! I'll always choose a bag of crisps over a pack of sweets and I have memories of my mum, in October, saying to me; "Can I have your Easter Egg? I need space for the Christmas sweets."

This past six months couldn't be more different. I constantly crave sweets, specifically sour skittles! I need coffee, I constantly think about chocolate and often find myself rummaging in the cupboards for something, ANYTHING sweet.

Having tapped a quick search in to google 'depression sugar', hundreds of sites pop up linking sugar and depression. Sugar, and surely caffiene, give you a boost. Your blood-sugar will peak and it will satisfy that craving. But what comes up must come down.  I'm pretty sure that I don't feel miserable or 'depressed' when I go through my sugar crash but my body obviously wants more of it.

What a dangerous cycle to be trapped in. What to do though? My body wants chemicals, carbs and everything that won't help. Thus far I've given in to the cravings thinking that if my body wants it then I should allow my body to have it.

Flawed logic? Probably!

So now, armed with one and a half cups of coffee...I've nearly finished my second, I will make this pledge. I will BEGIN to eat fresher, better. I will put more thought in to the 'bad stuff' I'm putting in to my body. I intend to get back to how I ate before I became ill.

Fresh food was always my thing. I used to crave veggies, eat an apple for morning snack and would eat chips maybe once a week.

I owe it to myself to give my body a fighting chance to recover. I can only recover if I give my body the good quality fuel it needs.

Wish me luck! Let's do this!!

sr x

The third chapter....

Ok, so here goes. I'm going to take the plunge!

This is my first blog post and I'll explain further on why I consider this to be the 'third chapter.'

The intention of this blog is to explore my condition, consider the impact, document my recovery, hopefully enlighten others, etc, etc...

The condition? Clinical depression.

It sucks.

It's been a long journey so far and it's currently been six months since I was first diagnosed. The first step was complete break down. The second chapter; survival. And now? The third chapter...

This is my biggest success. I'm now beginning to pull myself together!

Those of you who have suffered from depression will realise that getting to this stage is no mean feat. In fact, it's been bloody hard work to get this far!!

I've thought a few times before that writing a blog about my journey would be a good idea. Productive, even. It could help me track my mood and take control of this beast. I think the last time I attempted this was in February, I didn't even get as far as signing up for an account!!

This, hopefully, will be it. I need to start thinking about the causes, the consequences and the impact on my life, my family and my friends.

I do hope this blog will eventually help others, I hope it'll help me. This is my journey, let's see how it goes!

sr
x