Food for thought

I've asked a couple of friends to take a look at my blog and see what they think and I've asked them to tell anyone they think it will be relevant.

A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me.  He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed.  I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.

So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.

Psychological symptoms include:

• continuous low mood or sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• having low self-esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling guilt-ridden
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others
• having no motivation or interest in things
• finding it difficult to make decisions
• not getting any enjoyment out of life
• feeling anxious or worried
• having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:

• moving or speaking more slowly than usual
• change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)  
• unexplained aches and pains
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:

• not doing well at work
• taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
• neglecting your hobbies and interests
• having difficulties in your home and family life

So here they are. My opinions?  I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?

Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again.  Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.

I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.

Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow.  The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life.  He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.

Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal.  How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.

It's like being in purgatory.  I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.

Definately food for though,

sr x

Food food food

Well my healthy eating kick seems to be going well. I've cut out all snacks which was super hard and have been eating loads of yummy, fresh, healthy food.

I'm a notorious snacker. I'm the kind of person that likes to eat every couple of hours and I hate feeling hungry. I've been telling myself that I don't need these snacks and that I just need to train my body to not need feeding every few hours.

Before Easter I was taking Mirtazipine. It's a medicine that is supposed to support sleeping and help the effects of the antidepressants.  The side effect of this was massive. I was constantly wanting and needing to eat. I would have blood sugar drops and feel shaky and dizzy if I wasn't fed every two hours. I ate like a horse! Two breakfasts, two lunches, two dinners and snacks! And honestly, I could have eaten more but I refrained because I thought the quantity of food I was eating was, quite simple, ridiculous.

Needless to say, the doctor only kept me on those tablets for a couple of months. I'm now taking a different medication and the excessive need for food has stopped. I managed to put all of the weight on that dropped off me from previously not eating and I also put on another half a stone on top of that!

So now comes the time that I'm going to purposely and consciously regulate my eating habits again. It feels good. I'm eating healthily and there's something satisfying about controlling your food intake. For some reason I just feel better about myself when I'm  monitoring my calorie consumption.

It's going well so far. I've lost 4lb in about a week and a half. I'll continue this until I drop down to a weight which is right for my frame. Currently I'm 11st, I'll aim to drop about one and a half stone to bring me down to 9st 7 ish.

I love having a specific target, a goal to aim for.

I'll keep you updated,

sr x

Poisonous relationships

This is where things get a little more controversial.  A little more personal.  I will be careful how I word this post and what information I include.

This is an anonymous blog.  Very few of my friends know that I am writing this, even most of those friends don't have the details to be able to search me out and read this blog.  I can't say why, I don't think there is a massive reason.  I suppose depression is a very personal thing.  The beast that is depression is entirely your own animal.  You can do with it what you will.  Most people don't see it, can't see it.  If they do see it, they don't have the capacity to get you through it.  Part of it isolates you because people find that they don't know how to deal with you and the other part puts you on your own because it makes it harder for you to relate to other people.  It works both ways.

I'm very lucky.  I have a few people who I hold dearly.  Even if I don't see them each week I am in regular and semi-regular contact through email, facebook, texts, phone calls and random cups of tea or offers to meet for lunch.  Many of my friends have dropped off the radar.  I suppose they would be more acquaintances.

These are not the relationships that I have in mind though.  I'm thinking of those people that undermine you by suggesting that you are at fault somewhere for having depression.  Maybe they will undermine things that you do.  For example, I was struggling through cooking a roast dinner, of which I'm perfectly capable of achieving.  Cooking for six, however, at this point was getting me in a slight muddle.  This person took over and began to dish up the dinner for me and basically took over.  I felt a little put out as over the meal, it was pointed out that most of the vegetables had been bought ready prepared and that she'd prepared the cabbage.  Ok, granted, this is true, but it didn't need to be said to my guests.

I guess what I'm trying to point out is that some relationships are positive. They enhance you some how.  They are healthy, thriving friendships.  Other relationships may be more destructive.  They have the ability to make you feel like a child, need to justify your actions and without you realising it can generally make you feel a little crummy. 

This post is making me consider what the solution is to mend these relationships, to mould them into something that contributes to your life and enhances it, rather than sucking away your life energy.

How do you do this subtly without hurting anyone? Do you have to cut them out of your life.  I dearly love the people around me and even these poisonous relationships are mostly positive, engaging and enjoyable.  What do you do when the very people who are not good for you are your family members?

This needs more thought.  I will try to steer any tricky conversations into more positive and light-hearted territories.  Maybe these people need never know what I feel and that I am attempting to adapt our time together to something that makes me feel better about myself rather than worse.

I'd love to know your thoughts,

sr x