Food for thought

I've asked a couple of friends to take a look at my blog and see what they think and I've asked them to tell anyone they think it will be relevant.

A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me.  He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed.  I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.

So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.

Psychological symptoms include:

• continuous low mood or sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• having low self-esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling guilt-ridden
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others
• having no motivation or interest in things
• finding it difficult to make decisions
• not getting any enjoyment out of life
• feeling anxious or worried
• having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:

• moving or speaking more slowly than usual
• change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)  
• unexplained aches and pains
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:

• not doing well at work
• taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
• neglecting your hobbies and interests
• having difficulties in your home and family life

So here they are. My opinions?  I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?

Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again.  Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.

I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.

Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow.  The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life.  He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.

Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal.  How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.

It's like being in purgatory.  I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.

Definately food for though,

sr x

Well meaning advice

It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.

My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home. 

They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.

The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart.  What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'

What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'

I've heard the same advice over and over from different people.  The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?

It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence.  I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life.  Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm.  I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.

I'm cross. I'm ranting.  I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!

Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)

sr x

Ill to not ill, the transformation

When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while.  All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!

My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.

So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends.  Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.

Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work.  I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.

I think that might take a little longer!

Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs.  Easier said than done.

sr x

Making a plan of action

I feel proud. I've done well. Six months in to recovery and I'm now ready to take the next step forward.

I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.

It's odd.

Anyway....

Now it's time to get back to normal.

The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing.  He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.

Here's the plan that we've hashed out.

1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.

It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.

This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more.  This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.

I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!

Now let's just see how it goes!

sr x

Slow going

I guess it's about time to start filling you in about my story.

I was signed off work in December after getting to a point where I said to a friend 'I just can't do it any more'. He drove me straight to the doctors as soon as I said that.  His actions right then, I believe, are the single reason why I ended up asking for help and realising there was a problem.

I think the standard cliche applies; 'things like this never happen to people like me'.

I've thought it, said it, felt it. I still feel an element of failure for having to give up my career but I am beginning to realise that I am not to blame.

I didn't manage to see the doctor that Monday but had a phone call from the duty doctor about an hour after I turned up in the doctor's waiting room. The doctor asked a few questions; how am I eating, sleeping, feeling etc. He told me to take the rest of the week off to get some rest and come in to see him at the end of the week.

The relief was immense. At the time though, I still didn't realise or acknowledge how ill I truely was.

Looking back, it is so obvious that I was at breaking point and really, truely unwell. How did no-one see it?  I do hope I'd be able to identify it if I ever relapse again.

And now, nearly six months on, I'm completely different. So much stronger, more alert.  I'm both eating and sleeping and am now beginning to feel more like myself. It's been a long journey. I'm still fragile. The slightest hint of something unexpected sends me in to a spiral. The illness is forever snapping at my heels, waiting to drag me down, engulf me, at the slightest hiccup.   Only a few weeks ago I was inconsolable because I went to the supermarket to buy pasties and they didn't have any!

This shadow lurks constantly. I will learn to box it up, hide it away. But will this shadow ever cease to exist within me?

sr x