Liberation comes

I've just come back to a well needed holiday in The Lake District. It was beautiful.  There's something about the power of nature that just restores you.  It seems to energise you and make you feel at peace with yourself.

The size of the hills, the constant water flow; I don't know, it just makes you feel insignificant. To me, that's comforting. It makes me realise how unimportant I am to the functioning of the world as a whole and that no matter what I do, everything will be ok.

I guess it's a kind of strange logic.  Reading back what I've just written almost seems depressing in itself.  It's not though.  I'm not making any self-depreciating remarks or wallowing in self-pity.  Yes, I do have the responsibility to make the most of my life, contribute what I can and enjoy my time on this earth.  Also, though, I don't matter. I don't need to take a great lump of responsibility because no matter what I do, whether it be good or bad, the world won't end.

It's my duty to do the very best I can with my life, but if I don't? It's not really a major problem.

Philosophical? Yes. Liberating? Definately.

sr xx

Food for thought

I've asked a couple of friends to take a look at my blog and see what they think and I've asked them to tell anyone they think it will be relevant.

A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me.  He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed.  I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.

So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.

Psychological symptoms include:

• continuous low mood or sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• having low self-esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling guilt-ridden
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others
• having no motivation or interest in things
• finding it difficult to make decisions
• not getting any enjoyment out of life
• feeling anxious or worried
• having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:

• moving or speaking more slowly than usual
• change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)  
• unexplained aches and pains
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:

• not doing well at work
• taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
• neglecting your hobbies and interests
• having difficulties in your home and family life

So here they are. My opinions?  I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?

Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again.  Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.

I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.

Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow.  The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life.  He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.

Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal.  How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.

It's like being in purgatory.  I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.

Definately food for though,

sr x

Food food food

Well my healthy eating kick seems to be going well. I've cut out all snacks which was super hard and have been eating loads of yummy, fresh, healthy food.

I'm a notorious snacker. I'm the kind of person that likes to eat every couple of hours and I hate feeling hungry. I've been telling myself that I don't need these snacks and that I just need to train my body to not need feeding every few hours.

Before Easter I was taking Mirtazipine. It's a medicine that is supposed to support sleeping and help the effects of the antidepressants.  The side effect of this was massive. I was constantly wanting and needing to eat. I would have blood sugar drops and feel shaky and dizzy if I wasn't fed every two hours. I ate like a horse! Two breakfasts, two lunches, two dinners and snacks! And honestly, I could have eaten more but I refrained because I thought the quantity of food I was eating was, quite simple, ridiculous.

Needless to say, the doctor only kept me on those tablets for a couple of months. I'm now taking a different medication and the excessive need for food has stopped. I managed to put all of the weight on that dropped off me from previously not eating and I also put on another half a stone on top of that!

So now comes the time that I'm going to purposely and consciously regulate my eating habits again. It feels good. I'm eating healthily and there's something satisfying about controlling your food intake. For some reason I just feel better about myself when I'm  monitoring my calorie consumption.

It's going well so far. I've lost 4lb in about a week and a half. I'll continue this until I drop down to a weight which is right for my frame. Currently I'm 11st, I'll aim to drop about one and a half stone to bring me down to 9st 7 ish.

I love having a specific target, a goal to aim for.

I'll keep you updated,

sr x

Well meaning advice

It's the end of a massively tricky week. I'm frustrated that I've been so down this week, especially since I thought I was doing so well.

My parents came to stay this weekend, they've just left for home. 

They recognised that I've been having a bad week and helped me clear all of my things out of my classroom ready for the end of my contract in a few days time.

The only purpose of this post today, really, is to rant! I love that so many people care about me and I do appreciate and understand that. Everyone wants to see me better and has my best interests at heart.  What I do find tricky is all of the well meaning advice. 'You need to exercise', 'you need to eat more lentils and seesds', 'staying home all day WILL make you depressed', 'perhaps you were ill, but now you need to go and do something,'

What's the polite way of saying 'I know you're trying to help and give me advice, but don't!'

I've heard the same advice over and over from different people.  The problem is, most of the advice is conflicting. When I don't follow the exact piece of advice that someone gives me, do they then think that I'm not doing enough to get myself better?

It's my view that I'm doing everything I can to get myself back to 100%. Living with depression is a miserable existence.  I've got so much to be grateful for, and I genuinely am grateful for my life.  Depression just seems to suck away all of my enthusiasm.  I don't want to change my life, I like my life. I just want to feel more optimistic again, less dark.

I'm cross. I'm ranting.  I'm rambling. I just want all of this to go away, and that includes all of the well meaning advice that everyone feels entitled to give me! If I'd broken my leg people wouldn't interfere so much!

Sorry for my rant, promise I'll be more positive tomorrow! :)

sr x

Thinking things through

The whole time I've been ill I keep being told that I'm not yet ready for counselling and that all I need to do for the time being is get active and take my medication.

Today is now the day that I will begin my counselling.  I've had an assessment through occupational health and employee support line. I have been given the maximum number of sessions on offer; four face-to-face sessions.

It feels strange to thing that at 2pm today I will have to bare my soul. Begin to discuss the origins of my depression and start considering what it is about me that has given me this illness.  I have a feeling that it is going to be hard. The challenge will be having to open up about myself and start thinking about things in more detail.

I don't feel that I  have a negative frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that I have an optimistic outlook and a postive disposition. I guess we'll soon see!

sr x

Ill to not ill, the transformation

When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while.  All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!

My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.

So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends.  Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.

Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work.  I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.

I think that might take a little longer!

Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs.  Easier said than done.

sr x

Making a plan of action

I feel proud. I've done well. Six months in to recovery and I'm now ready to take the next step forward.

I hate what this illness has done to my confidence. I don't understand things that I used to. I'm more emotionally fragile and my cognitive functions are basically impaired. It's my memory that's probably the most annoying. Probably that or the fact that I don't seem to think things through any more.

It's odd.

Anyway....

Now it's time to get back to normal.

The other half said something interesting the other day. He said he didn't want to start feeling like he's providing for me and I'm sitting on my bum all day doing nothing.  He has a valid point. If he'd have said that 4 weeks ago I would have disagreed. As it stands today, I need to start doing more.

Here's the plan that we've hashed out.

1. I take over all housework (treat it like a part time job).
2. Do some volunteering, share housework.
3. Do some volunteering, I do all housework.
4. Part time volunteering, part time work, share housework.
5. Full time work, share housework.

It'll be a chronological sequence taking as long as I need for each step to build myself back up to full time work.

This thing is a bit of an unknown entity. I don't know anyone who has been this ill with depression and the doctor said I will get to a point where I'm coping with my daily routine but won't yet be ready for more.  This will be a good way to test the bounaries and keep moving my recovery forwards.

I'm happy with this as I know I'll be making progress and my partner will be happy because he knows I'm still working to help myself!

Now let's just see how it goes!

sr x

Caffeine boost and sugar boost!

I've never had much of a sweet tooth before. Pudding has always been something I can happily leave in favour of having a starter! I'll always choose a bag of crisps over a pack of sweets and I have memories of my mum, in October, saying to me; "Can I have your Easter Egg? I need space for the Christmas sweets."

This past six months couldn't be more different. I constantly crave sweets, specifically sour skittles! I need coffee, I constantly think about chocolate and often find myself rummaging in the cupboards for something, ANYTHING sweet.

Having tapped a quick search in to google 'depression sugar', hundreds of sites pop up linking sugar and depression. Sugar, and surely caffiene, give you a boost. Your blood-sugar will peak and it will satisfy that craving. But what comes up must come down.  I'm pretty sure that I don't feel miserable or 'depressed' when I go through my sugar crash but my body obviously wants more of it.

What a dangerous cycle to be trapped in. What to do though? My body wants chemicals, carbs and everything that won't help. Thus far I've given in to the cravings thinking that if my body wants it then I should allow my body to have it.

Flawed logic? Probably!

So now, armed with one and a half cups of coffee...I've nearly finished my second, I will make this pledge. I will BEGIN to eat fresher, better. I will put more thought in to the 'bad stuff' I'm putting in to my body. I intend to get back to how I ate before I became ill.

Fresh food was always my thing. I used to crave veggies, eat an apple for morning snack and would eat chips maybe once a week.

I owe it to myself to give my body a fighting chance to recover. I can only recover if I give my body the good quality fuel it needs.

Wish me luck! Let's do this!!

sr x