Destructive behaviours

I need to give myself a target. I need to feel myself moving forward. This target will be beneficial for my health.

Destructive behaviours are exactly as labelled - destructive.

I know for certain that I partake in a number of habits which are not good for me, some maybe even bad for my health.  It is this behaviour that I'd like to begin to shed.  It will make me healthier and happier and definitely solve a few problems!

As a child, I used to pull my hair. I'd tie it in knots and when it was so tangled I'd pull the knots out. I'd either pull them until the chunk of hair came out from the scalp or I'd snap the hair just above the knot.  My hair is still thin on the left hand side from this habit that persisted throughout my early years.

Next, I always used to chew the inside of my mouth. Gross. When it healed I'd end up with ulcers. Ouch! This habit did go away after a while. I'm not sure when.  Maybe when I was about 13. It does, however, keep reoccurring. It's a habit that has regularly plagued me throughout my childhood and adult life.  This is particularly bad at the moment.

Another, alcohol.  My alcohol intake, recently, has risen to alarming proportions. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My intake has gone from roughly two glasses of wine a week to about 8 glasses of wine a week, maybe slightly more. Certainly not a good habit to be in.

The habit which I find the hardest to deal with is my habit of scratching my skin. I scratch spots, scabs, dry patches of skin, etc. Pretty much any imperfection on my skin I will try to scratch off.  This leads to scabs, small scars and poor colouring on my skin.  I do try to stop.  I've managed to stop scratching my face which was a major cause of concern for me.

I just need to wonder whether this destructive behaviour coincides with depression or it's just a range of annoying habits that I have. I'm hoping that as my depression lifts, these behaviours will begin to ease. I'm hoping that through a great deal of grit and determination I can finally rid myself of these things. Clear skin, thick hair, no ulcers! Imagine that!

I will work extraordinarily hard on that for a week or so and will let you know the results! By writing this down I am now accountable for my actions.  Let's hope it'll spur me on towards success.

Wish me luck,

sr x

CBT

Counselling was interesting.  I still am not convinced that it's proving very useful, she didn't seem to pick up and take forward the things I said I wanted to discuss or explore.

I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.

So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative.  I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.

My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel.  This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.

I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.

The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT.  I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant.  We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.

sr x

Shadow makes an appearance

That shadow that lurks.....it's on the back of my mind. It's like a rain cloud on the horizon. It's back.

This is my third day and I'm beginning to despair.

I need to be free of this shadow that hangs over me.

I'm struggling to write this. I keep zoning out. I keep wanting to stop. I simply want to curl up in bed.

Tomorrow will be better, hopefully this afternoon will be better.  I have to keep telling myself this. I have to work hard to keep up the desire to fight.

Sometimes it just feels too much effort. Today is one of those days.

I get angry and frustrated with myself. Why is this happening to me?

The doctor reminds me that some people can get depression due to genetic reasons. I like my life. I am happy with the direction things are going. I wouldn't change anything. So what is it that has made me feel so empty and low?

The easy answer would be to change the things you don't like for things that you do like. But honestly and genuinely I would change nothing.

Tomorrow, I promise, will be better.

sr