Liberation comes

I've just come back to a well needed holiday in The Lake District. It was beautiful.  There's something about the power of nature that just restores you.  It seems to energise you and make you feel at peace with yourself.

The size of the hills, the constant water flow; I don't know, it just makes you feel insignificant. To me, that's comforting. It makes me realise how unimportant I am to the functioning of the world as a whole and that no matter what I do, everything will be ok.

I guess it's a kind of strange logic.  Reading back what I've just written almost seems depressing in itself.  It's not though.  I'm not making any self-depreciating remarks or wallowing in self-pity.  Yes, I do have the responsibility to make the most of my life, contribute what I can and enjoy my time on this earth.  Also, though, I don't matter. I don't need to take a great lump of responsibility because no matter what I do, whether it be good or bad, the world won't end.

It's my duty to do the very best I can with my life, but if I don't? It's not really a major problem.

Philosophical? Yes. Liberating? Definately.

sr xx

CBT

Counselling was interesting.  I still am not convinced that it's proving very useful, she didn't seem to pick up and take forward the things I said I wanted to discuss or explore.

I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.

So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative.  I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.

My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel.  This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.

I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.

The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT.  I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant.  We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.

sr x

Counselling uncovers issues

I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.

Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.

All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.

My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable.  On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!

I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.

I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.

Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.

Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!

sr x