CBT

Counselling was interesting.  I still am not convinced that it's proving very useful, she didn't seem to pick up and take forward the things I said I wanted to discuss or explore.

I'm holding fire though, it may still prove to be a positive and enlightening experience.

So at the end of this session I had the word 'CBT' introduced to me.

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, as I understand it, is a training that you go through to switch your brain away from a pattern of negative thoughts.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I honestly believe I don't have a negative thought pattern. I might have to go back and read over my blog to work out whether it is, indeed, largely positive or negative.  I'm pretty sure I have a positive, pro-active attitude and that although things do bother me, I try to discuss things before they become an issue. For example, a slight disagreement about who's doing what housework; if discussed and a plan of action is agreed upon, it surely no longer needs to be a problem.

My homework from counselling is to write down three scenarios that happen to me. I have to write down what I think and what I feel.  This seems relatively simple to start with. I then have to bring the sheet back with me and we will discuss what thoughts I could have had about those situations which were more positive.

I will be sure to think about this carefully as I go through the next two weeks. I'll ask my partner to be on the look out for any negative comments of mine that I can use as an example. I assume that CBT is to make you more aware of those negative thoughts. It can be entirely plausible that I am a negative person or have a negative thought pattern but that I'm just simply not aware of it.

The Mind website, a mental health website to support people with their mental health has some information on CBT.  I can understand how it should and will work, I'm simply still not sure that it feels relevant.  We'll soon see I guess. I'm willing to try anything to support myself and get myself better.

sr x

Thinking things through

The whole time I've been ill I keep being told that I'm not yet ready for counselling and that all I need to do for the time being is get active and take my medication.

Today is now the day that I will begin my counselling.  I've had an assessment through occupational health and employee support line. I have been given the maximum number of sessions on offer; four face-to-face sessions.

It feels strange to thing that at 2pm today I will have to bare my soul. Begin to discuss the origins of my depression and start considering what it is about me that has given me this illness.  I have a feeling that it is going to be hard. The challenge will be having to open up about myself and start thinking about things in more detail.

I don't feel that I  have a negative frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that I have an optimistic outlook and a postive disposition. I guess we'll soon see!

sr x

Ill to not ill, the transformation

When do you become officially no longer ill? This past two weeks I'm pretty sure I could classify myself as no longer ill. I've still got depression and might officially have it for quite a while.  All of a sudden this past two weeks I feel like myself again. My bubbly character and cheerful disposition is beginning to come back to the forefront and life is starting to feel as it should!

My contract for my job is being terminated at the end of the month. It feels a bit silly to opt to do that when I'm feeling so much better. I guess it's hard to know when I go from feeling well when I'm around the house to being able to cope with the challenging profession that teaching is.

So what am I able to do? I can cook, clean, walk the dog and meet up with friends.  Not exactly challenging activities. Now it's time to build up the activities to begin to get myself fit for work.

Am I fixed now? When I feel pretty normal with mundane day-to-day activities. The doctor certainly wouldn't agree. Do I have to be back to work to be considered cured? Will I be ill for a while after I'm back to work.  I suppose the point in which I can be considered well again is when I'm coping with my job AND feeling like myself again.

I think that might take a little longer!

Patience is hard. I need to learn to just allow it to happen and allow my recovery to take all the time it needs.  Easier said than done.

sr x