A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with for pretty much 15 years made a very good point to me. He said that I don't seem to admit in my blog that I am feeling depressed. I suppose, generally, I do fight against the diagnosis of depression and I try to avoid thinking of myself as depressed because it's a scary thought and just seems so official.
So speculating on this, I need to think about the symptoms of depression and how/when I am feeling 'depressed.' The NHS website seems to have quite a comprehensive list of the symptoms.
Psychological symptoms include:
- continuous low mood or sadness
- feeling hopeless and helpless
- having low self-esteem
- feeling tearful
- feeling guilt-ridden
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- having no motivation or interest in things
- finding it difficult to make decisions
- not getting any enjoyment out of life
- feeling anxious or worried
- having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
Physical symptoms include:
- moving or speaking more slowly than usual
- change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
- unexplained aches and pains
- lack of energy
- disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)
Social symptoms include:
- not doing well at work
- taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
- neglecting your hobbies and interests
- having difficulties in your home and family life
So here they are. My opinions? I have felt very flat at times. This list actually describes very much how I was feeling when I was first signed off. Now though, now I'm better, I'm able to write, so even though I'm still officially suffering from clinical depression, what's the reality?
Psychologically I do still feel low at times and the thought of getting my life back does feel hopeless. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself but that seems to have come about now I actually have the foresight of writing things on the calendar so I don't always have to defer to my partner when arranging activities. Even last week I double booked myself on two days! I feel massive guilt about letting people down, but this has come about since I was signed off work. Decision making, trying to choose coleslaw in the supermarket was impossible in January, but on daily, simple decisions such as what to cook for dinner, I can do this again. Motivation and lack of interest comes and goes, it's improved. And enjoyment, I'm beginning to appreciate the little things in life.
I won't carry on with listing every single thing and rating myself against it. I can do that in my own time, there's no point boring you with it.
Just reading over it though, it makes me realise how far I've come. I don't think I should class myself as mentally ill any more. I don't suppose really I'm clinically depressed any more. I can cope with my life as it is at the moment. It'll be very interesting to see if I can maintain this if I were to go back to a full time job tomorrow. The doctor said to me, ages ago, that I will get to the point where I'm functioning well around the house and will be feeling 'normal' when going about my every day life. He warned me that feeling well again doesn't necessarily mean I'm no longer depressed as I may well not be able to cope with anything more challenging than pottering around and amusing myself for the day.
Here's the question then. If I feel well on a normal day. No longer anxious, sleeping better (albeit the tablets are what's making me sleep!) and my apetite seems to be moving back to something that can be considered normal. How do you know when to take the plunge back to normal life? How do you then escape from the diagnosis? How to you prove that you are able to work again.
It's like being in purgatory. I'm ready to move on from this, move forward but I'm stuck in a no-mans-land inbetween being sick and being well.
Definately food for though,
sr x
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