I didn't hold much hope when going to the counselling yesterday. I thought that I didn't have any issues that I wanted or needed to discuss. I purely went because I was told that I was entitled to the maximum of four free sessions on offer as a council employee.
Initially I felt rather reserved. She asked me what I wanted from the process and what I wanted the sessions to focus on.
All of this felt like a waste of time. The end, however, gave me a bit of a breakthrough. I've remained pretty certain that I am just accepting of the depression and am making the most of the mess that it's turned my life into.
My new conclusion; I don't know how or when I'm going to get better. If my life is going to be this constant battle to get better/stay better than what's the point? I'm fed up of fighting. I keep being told that I shouldn't have worked so hard, should have eaten better, am spending too much time on the laptop, shouldn't be so demanding on myself and shouldn't push myself to achieve so much. This all makes me feel that it's MY FAULT. If all of these observations are true then in some way I am culpable. On the other hand, if it's not my fault then it's not something that could have been predicted or controlled. If this beast can't be controlled then what do I have control over?!
I've come away feeling more confused! Luckily I'm not dwelling on it. I have written down and shared my thoughts on here but then I will put it to the back of my mind. I can't spend all day, every day thinking negative and destructive thoughts. That's not productive.
I did something very scary a few months ago. I won't share the exact nature but it put my life in danger. It gave me a sense of control. It was liberating. I knew it was stupid at the time but based on my conversation with this lady yesterday, it kind of feels understandable. There's so much in my life that I'm currently unable to control that it's no wonder that I wanted to feel like I was owning my own destiny.
Right now I'm feeling pretty cheated. A job that I love is coming to an end, I'm still signed as unfit to work and all of my aims and plans are currently being put on hold. For example, I can't exactly plan to get married, have kids etc if I don't have the mental state of mind to make a truly considered decision.
Today feels tough going. I will close the box on this, crack on with my day and then approach the issues again tomorrow. Things may well be clearer in the morning!
sr x
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