Who's fault is it anyway?

Today is my second counselling appointment. If I'm honest I really don't want to go.  Having to analyse things sucks. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I either want or need to talk things through.

I am quite a deep thinker. I am also able to shut things out if I'm not quite ready to talk about it. Maybe that's it, I'm not quite ready.

I've been thinking about when this depression first came about and how it became a problem.  Looking at the symptoms I've been having I have no doubt that I've had depression before. This is the first time it's been recognised and diagnosed though.

So if I just look at this latest bout then I think I can pinpoint the difficulties and reasons why it came about in the first place.  I'd say, roughly speaking, that I became ill last October. That'd be October 2011.  I was struggling to adjust to working in a new school, became a part of a new friendship group and got so involved with this that I massively neglected my relationship with my partner.

In June I was being monitored with the doctor due to extreme fatigue. I had many blood tests and appointments and despite asking me questions to ascertain whether I was suffering from depression they began to think that I might be suffering from ME (my body was exhausted due to a virus).

Moving on, I think I lifted myself out of this but when my partner started working away from home in July 2012 the prospect of moving areas, selling the house, changing jobs again all seemed rather daunting and stressful.

In the November (2012) our relationship was again thrown in to chaos when he found out about an indiscretion of mine, of which I am deeply ashamed and regretful. This was a really hard time.

Fast forward slightly and I was signed off in December 2012.

So this is the sequence of events as I see it. I choose not to go in to greater detail out of respect for my work colleagues, friends and partner. To me, it seems inevitable that some where I'd have to stop and take some time to sort myself out. In some ways it's like I was on track for this all along and it's just a shame that it was never identified sooner. But I guess, how can you?

sr x