Picking up the pieces

For the first couple of weeks I was ill, I stayed at home. I wasn't quite wallowing in self-pity but I can't really identify what I was doing. I wasn't eating and certainly wasn't sleeping. I wasn't watching TV, playing computer games or doing housework. I don't think I was really doing anything.

I'd target myself to do a little something each day. Even at that point, though, emptying the dishwasher felt harder than climbing Mount Everest. The most simple of tasks felt so massively overwhelming and through sheer stubborness I would manage to get dressed and showered.

It got to the point where my partner, who I've lived with for 3 years, rang my mum and basically told her to come and get me. He told her that I couldn't be left on my own and needed more care than he was able to give me.  He knew that by being out at work from 6.30 am until 8.00pm at night (including commute) he was unable to make sure I was ok.

I feel sad that it got to the point that he felt I needed supervision. What he must have thought. The worry he must have gone through.

I can't dwell on this though. It's not productive. I spent a couple of weeks at my mum's, basically the two weeks leading up to Christmas. My step-dad is retired and he basically told me when to eat, drink and shower. I could do what I was told but apart from that I would simply would sit in a daze.

Fast-forward six months and I'm beginning to pull myself together. I'm picking up the tatters and am feeling optimistic about the future. I no longer class myself as 'ill' and am definately feeling more myself.

This morning I moved all of our kitchen items from the living room back in to the kitchen. I've managed to cope with the upheaval of workmen refitting the kitchen.  We had planned for me to stay with mum during the work but through some inner strength, lots of stubbornness anxd plenty of support from friends and family, I was able to stay home and 'supervise' the majority of the work.

I've gone from not even being able to empty the dishwasher to sorting out the entire contents of my kitchen cupboards.

I'm proud.

The effort has, so far, been worth it.

And it has been a lot of effort to get this far! I'll keep working hard and who knows where I'll be in six months time!

sr x